


roots of love

by erysimumchen (jirml)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Unhappy Ending, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22989121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jirml/pseuds/erysimumchen
Summary: And for this love, I offer you these flowers.And if you don't want them, I have no choice but to swallow the truth.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 10
Kudos: 48
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2019





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 50  
**Prompt:** Jongdae felt secure in his relationship until B gets a new coworker and Jongdae wakes up to see B coughing up flowers in the bathroom and its not long until he follows suit  
**Pairing/Main Character(s):** Baekhyun/Jongdae  
**Side Characters(if any): Kyungsoo, Chanyeol**  
**Word Count:** 24.1K  
**Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** Character Death  
**Author's note:** Thank you to the mods for being very understanding. Basic knowledge of Hanahaki Disease is also recommended, anything else I’ve added is just my take on the fictional disease. Do enjoy

❀✿❀✿❀

_Someone once told me they’d get me the prettiest flower when we were old enough to get married. My young heart had skipped a beat at the blasé declaration._

_Alas, that relationship lasted for a mere two months and Baekhyun and Chanyeol had laughed their heads off to the moon when the break up happened. _

_The next few relationships after never lasted long enough for me or the other to give each other even a stalk of one._

_Such a thing was a realistic fairytale told to teach the children, placate the teens, and humour the adults. That one day, when you love someone enough and they loved you just as much, the prettiest flower would bloom from your love._

_It was a fairytale. A fairytale that masked the ugly tragedies caused by a small, pretty thing. Coughs that wrecked your whole body. Itches that prickled your insides. Chest pains that’d draw tears to your eyes._

_ Hanahaki._

_Scientists couldn’t explain when or how it started. Everyone had just adapted to it—even found a cure for it. A cure more bitter than any tea. Most people unfortunate enough to get the disease just learned to welcome death._

_We thought ourselves lucky to not have faced such sickness. Getting out of the few relationships we’ve had unscathed was proof enough that we’ve never truly loved._

_But it was situations like those that made people curious._

_What does it feel like? To love someone so much, it could kill you._

_Stakes of getting into a serious relationship were so much higher than it had ever been a thousand years ago._

_Jongdae didn’t think of that though. Not with Baekhyun._

❀✿❀✿❀

The north wind is still a bit on the freezing side and every time it blows, shivers race down spines of anyone careless enough to brave the last bouts of winter. Teachers had advised all students to stay indoors for breaks, but it was tradition to spend lunch break on the rooftop.

So there Baekhyun and Jongdae were, lying down on the concrete floor of the rooftop, with Baekhyun flat on his front in between Jongdae’s legs. He’s cozying his face into Jongdae’s chest as the other tries to push his heavy body off.

“Ugh, Baek, be serious. This is important.”

Baekhyun turns his face so that it’s pressed onto Jongdae’s chest even more and responds to the reprimand with gibberish, his position and the cloth of Jongdae’s uniform muffling his mouth.

Jongdae giggles, Baekhyun’s breath tickling his skin through the thin fabric.

Baekhyun looks up and rests his chin, grinning at Jongdae—enraptured, “Cute.”

Jongdae flushes a soft pink, blood rushing more to his ears rather than to his high cheekbones.

He flicks Baekhyun’s nose, “Don’t change the topic. When are we gonna tell Chanyeol and Kyungsoo?”

Baekhyun snorts, then turns his head once more and plops his cheek down onto Jongdae’s chest. He closes his eyes and Jongdae whines at the dismissal.

Baekhyun pretends to sleep but it’s hard to look believable with the smile on his face that Jongdae’s whining had evoked. Baekhyun loves when Jongdae whines.

“Babe, as if they don’t know already. Or,” Baekhyun thinks about it, “At least Kyungsoo does. I’m sure he’s already figured it out.”

Jongdae ponders his words as he continues, “Like, no two healthy teenage boys disappear to the bathroom _ together _ and only come back after thirty minutes without being suspicious. Chanyeol gets distracted easily, or more like he’s too focused on his own shit to notice. But Kyungsoo’s probably noticed our little escapades.”

Jongdae pouts at the great plausibility of Baekhyun’s argument, “But still, shouldn’t we like, officially announce it?”

Baekhyun’s head pops out again and Jongdae is reminded of a puppy.

“Dae, you can just say you really want to call me your official boyfie now. Don’t need to use the other two as an excuse,” Baekhyun teases, wiggling his eyebrows. Jongdae pushes him off firmly this time and Baekhyun laughs at his petulant expression.

“Okay, sorry, sorry. Boyfie, don’t be mad, please? We’ll tell Chan and Soo the moment they arrive. ‘Hey guys, guess what? Me and Jongdae are fucking!’”

Jongdae glares at him.

“Kidding, kidding!” Baekhyun is quick to correct himself and wraps his arms around Jongdae when he turns his back on Baekhyun.

“The moment they arrive, I’ll say, ‘Yo, you guys are the bestest friends that have ever bestest friend ever? And I have something very, _ very _ important to tell you.’” He grins as he feels Jongdae holding back his laughter.

“The three of you made growing up more fun as we did stupid shit together. And I could not ask for better friends,” he pulls Jongdae closer and buries his face into the back of his neck, “but I’ve found the one person that I know could make me happier than I ever could be.”

“He is the kindest, most beautifulest, most amazingest person in my whole, wide world. And he’s sitting here, with us, on this ratty old rooftop.”

Baekhyun coaxes Jongdae into facing him and they stare at each other.

“And then, I’ll say, ‘His name is Kim. Jong. Dae.’”

They slowly lean into each other, their breaths mingling as they alternate between looking into each other’s eyes and then at their lips.

Just as the tips of their noses meet, the clang of the rooftop door is heard, and the dream of the memory ends there.

A distant and tasteless memory.

❀✿❀✿❀

“Jongdae! Baekhyun! Over here!”

Jongdae turns at the mention of his name and spots a tall man waving excitedly at him and Baekhyun from a table at the corner. His white bucket hat is covering more than half of his face but his loud voice gives his identity away. Not to mention, the other man with the telltale shaved head at the same table hiding his face in embarrassment is also obviously the fourth member of their quartet.

Jongdae and Baekhyun walk over to the table with matching smirks on their faces.

“Chanyeol, bro, you need to like, _ chill_. Unlike you, dear ol’ Kyungsoo here can’t take being the centre of the attention,” Baekhyun teases as a greeting, rubbing Kyungsoo’s head which he gets a jab in the side for.

Chanyeol just claps his hands with a big, hearty laugh as he gets up to hug them. Kyungsoo nods at them silently instead, still wary of the attention their table is getting because of Chanyeol’s loud demeanour.

“We already ordered some stuff, you can check the receipt and add on anything else you like. Beer’s coming now though.” Kyungsoo passes them the menu.

Then they settle down quickly at the thought of drinking and arrange themselves comfortably right as the old lady of the tent bar comes by to serve their drinks.

It’s a small thing, the tent bar. So much smaller than the ones nearer to the central district. The food is average. The owners are old. The patrons? Also old. Tables and chairs? Even older.

The four of them still choose to meet up here every fortnight anyway.

“It’s tradition.” Baekhyun would always argue, referring to how the place was their go-to after school when they were still young. Back when all they had was 9,000 won combined and could only afford to share a big bowl of tteokbokki between four growing boys.

They’re more well off now for sure. They also live way further because of their jobs.

Well, the things nostalgia can do.

“And then he said he’d offer me a job in his huge ass, famous studio. But there’s a catch. Guess where it is?” Chanyeol grins at them eagerly.

Kyungsoo offers him a blank stare, Baekhyun gives him a funny look, and only ever so sweet Jongdae gives him an encouraging smile.

“China!” he reveals with a show of his hands. The replies come almost automatically.

“You really wouldn’t survive.”

“Woah, okay, fine that is kinda cool.”

“Wow, that’s big, Yeol. Are you ready for that kind of thing though?”

Chanyeol ignores all unfavourable reactions and only answers to one, “I KNOW RIGHT.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and hits him on the back of his head, “Oaf. We’re giving you real advice. Don’t just listen to Oaf #2.”

Jongdae nods his head in agreement.

He waves off their concern and preens at Baekhyun’s exaggerated flattering, “Haha, chill guys. I love Lay and would love to be part of his team, but like you said, China. It’s huge man. Literally!”

Baekhyun, ever the loyal half of the comedic duo, laughs at his pun while the other two roll their eyes in exasperation.

“Plus, like I could ever liiiiiive without you guys. Get it? Get it? Live, leave!”

The two jokers actually almost fall back laughing at the horrible joke.

“Okay, okay. Enough about me. Whataboutchu, Su?” They giggle again.

“Yeah, how’s your research going, Soo?” Jongdae asks him kindly.

Kyungsoo ignores the other two and glances at Jongdae as he brings up his beer to his lips, thinking of how to answer his question.

“Slow.” He decides on after a while.

“Duhhhh. A medical research takes like 10 to 15 years right? I searched that shit up on Google when you told us you wanted to take people’s temperature for a living and find a cure for cancer,” Baekhyun contributes, “Man, that was like what—seven, eight years ago?”

“Nine.” Chanyeol corrects. “It was second year high school. Still remember it like it was yesterday.” He wipes off a non-existent tear.

Kyungsoo groans at the pain of having idiots for friends. “I do not take people’s temperature for a living, Baekhyun. I have nurses for that. And cancer is not my research topic. At least not the ones you’re thinking of. Plus, I’m technically still on residency.”

“There are different types of cancer?” Baekhyun and Chanyeol share a bewildered look. Kyungsoo mutters ‘idiots’ under his breath and Jongdae chuckles.

“Well, enough about me. How are you guys?” He looks at Jongdae and Baekhyun.

“Same old, same old. I’m getting a lot of younger kids now though. Seems like they all want to be idols or something along those lines. But they can’t sing, haha. Their words, not mine,” Jongdae laughs heartily.

“Like you have any mean bone in you, babe.” Baekhyun says as he bends down to smooch Jongdae’s shoulder, and his kiss leaves a wet mark on Jongdae’s cashmere sweater.

“Baek, disgusting. This was 70,000 won.” Jongdae shifts his chair further away playfully.

Baekhyun chases after him, “Are my kisses not even worth that much?!”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and sips at his beer as Chanyeol throws a slice of pickled radish at the shameless public display of affection.

Jongdae berates Chanyeol for his immaturity and they get into a comfortable silence while getting a few bites.

“So Baek, your turn. How’s work?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes while he finishes chewing.

“Ugh, tiring,” he brings up his glass of beer to his lips, “we have a new project and supervisor—”

He hurriedly puts the glass down just as he was about to drink and wheezes, Chanyeol guffaws at the sight.

“That was fricking lame, Baek! What, can’t take beer? My grandma can drink you under the table!”

Baekhyun glares at him as he leans towards Jongdae’s comforting hand rubbing his back.

Then they continue to bicker like the old friends they are for the rest of the night.

❀✿❀✿❀

It’s close to 2AM when they finally bid each other goodbye and separate into three different taxis.

Jongdae and Baekhyun arrive at their apartment block after a half hour ride, and Jongdae lugs Baekhyun’s lightweight body back into their apartment with much difficulty. He may not need to work out at the gym like Baekhyun to keep his toned body, but it doesn’t mean he has the muscles to back it up.

He sets Baekhyun down onto the couch as gently as he could when Baekhyun starts sneezing in front of his face out of nowhere. Jongdae grimaces in disgust and pushes Baekhyun away, laughing. He worries all the same.

“Gross Baek, are you coming down with something? It’s flu season. You always were easy to get sick at this time of the year.”

Jongdae starts feeling Baekhyun up with the back of his hand to check his temperature. His brows mirror his intense worry and it prompts a deep chuckle from the drunk Baekhyun.

Baekhyun catches his hand and stares at him wistfully.

“Dae, I know I said I’d still love when you’re no longer young and beautiful, but please don’t start aging now. You’re only 26.”

Jongdae clicks his tongue at him in annoyance but can’t help the small smile that appears. Still, worry nags at him and he’s about to argue again.

Baekhyun grabs his chin tenderly to stop him, “Hey.” He waits until Jongdae is looking him in the eye properly and they stare deep into each other’s eyes.

“I’ll be fine,” Baekhyun reassures him. Jongdae has no reason not to believe that soft smile.

❀✿❀✿❀

_ Hana haki-byō or just simply Hanahaki._

_Oddly enough, we were formally taught about it during Morals class. Then Ms. Kang from Bio touched on it briefly in high school. But other than that, the average person wouldn’t know much about the phenomenon._

_You love someone. They don’t love you back. A garden grows inside your body the size of your love. Love them enough and you’ll die. And yet, people still chose to love._

_It was like wanting heaven, but fearing death. Though recently, the younger generation seem to have a romanticised view of Hanahaki. That to die from love and heartbreak was romantic._

_It still doesn’t take away the unbearable pain surrounding it though._

❀✿❀✿❀

The main door creaks open and shuts without further preamble, and Jongdae steps out from the kitchen to greet the arrival.

A haggard-looking Baekhyun is toeing his shoes off with his eyes closed. Jongdae frowns in worry as seconds pass and Baekhyun still hasn’t announced his arrival.

“Welcome home, Baek,” his soft voice startles Baekhyun who looks up in surprise. Baekhyun’s obviously not in a good state so Jongdae rushes to aid him out of his coat and bag.

But when Jongdae pulls back to put the stuff away, Baekhyun drops himself into Jongdae’s chest and inhales the soothing scent that is uniquely Jongdae. The smell of home.

“I’m home.”

Jongdae smiles down at the grown man cradling his chest like a baby, allowing him to indulge for a while—though Jongdae can never imagine not giving Baekhyun anything he asks for. Baekhyun makes a strangled sound as Jongdae starts humming, the vibrations in his chest an even more calming lull to put Baekhyun to sleep right there and then.

“Baek, don’t fall asleep on me.”

“M’sorry, your chest is just so comfy.”

Jongdae lets out a small laugh and peels himself away from his tired lover. He hangs the coat and walks to the room they’ve converted into their mini office. He drops Baekhyun’s messenger bag onto his chair and turns to go back but stops short in surprise when he sees that Baekhyun has followed him and is staring at him from the doorway.

“Baek, you okay?”

Baekhyun gazes at him with a pensive expression. Jongdae waits patiently.

It’s a long moment before Baekhyun steps up to engulf Jongdae in a warm hug. It was unexpected but not unwelcome, and they lay their heads on each other’s shoulders comfortably as they sync their breaths.

Jongdae doesn’t know what put Baekhyun in this mood, but it’s a rare sight. And being patient and calm is how he deals with this melancholic Baekhyun.

“What did I do to deserve you, Dae?” It’s said in a light manner, but Jongdae can hear the hidden vulnerability and feel as Baekhyun’s handsome face scrunches up on his shoulder.

A melancholic Baekhyun also brings up more deep affection from him, as Jongdae has learned. He takes it all gratefully.

He smiles and grabs Baekhyun’s face in his hands, and peppers the pouting face with kisses and drags them out back to the kitchen. At Baekhyun’s insistence, they eat their dinner in the living room side by side on the couch with the TV on.

That night, Jongdae falls asleep too warm with Baekhyun’s arm wrapped around him snug and tight.

❀✿❀✿❀

_When I first realised I had Hanahaki, my reaction would have shocked many people. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t angry, I was just... happy._

_ It’s real then. What I feel for him. I love him. _

_Then I realise; it also means he doesn’t love me back. _

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae walks into the cafe and is greeted with wafts of freshly grinded beans and just out of the oven pastries. He is momentarily distracted by the ambience of the cafe before he spots Kyungsoo sitting at a booth near the window, sunlight streaming in on the table.

He strolls over to him and greets him with a head rub. Rubbing Kyungsoo’s shaved head was always a pleasure they were all not guilty to indulge in ever since he’s decided to keep his head shaved. Though only Jongdae gets an actual pass to do it without receiving any bodily harm in return.

“Hi, Soo. You’re early.” He settles on the seat opposite Kyungsoo as the latter hums as a greeting. Kyungsoo slides a cup of decaf tea with milk towards him, exactly the way Jongdae likes it.

“I had night shift, but my supervisor let me off early.” Jongdae nods at him as he drinks.

Kyungsoo continues without being prompted, “She said ever since I joined the research, things have been speeding up. She might even graduate me from residency sooner than expected.”

Jongdae’s eyes widen at that, impressed. “Wow, Do Kyungsoo! That is impressive! And you’re what, only in your second year of residency, right? Not to mention, you only joined the research a few months ago.”

Kyungsoo pauses. He sometimes forgets how Jongdae always remembers every little thing about them. In their group, Kyungsoo’s the one who has chosen a _ boring _ path. Chanyeol’s a musician, Baekhyun’s a creative director for a fashion brand, and Jongdae’s a vocal trainer.

Especially with Chanyeol and Baekhyun, he’s gotten used to them simplifying his job. They’re idiots, but they’re his friends and he loves them. But he does miss intelligent conversations.

He can’t help the small smile to show his appreciation for Jongdae, “Yeah.”

Jongdae rubs his head again, they don’t mention Kyungsoo leaning towards it.

“Oh, so where’s Chanyeol?”

Kyungsoo takes a while to answer as if he blanked out, “Oh yeah, he said he was gonna be late. I think he’s doing it on purpose. He’s too busy making eyes at that Lay guy. Honestly, he should just suck him off and convince him to stay in Korea.”

Jongdae chokes on his drink and laughs out loud. Kyungsoo chuckles, smug at making Jongdae laugh.

“Haha, that’d be the day man. Anyway, it’s just going to be three of us. Baek can’t leave the office for lunch,” Jongdae sighs.

Kyungsoo peeks at the downcasted look on his face and hesitates, “Is everything okay at work? He’s not getting fired is he? He’s good at his job but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s pissed too many people off.”

Jongdae snorts at the image. “No, in fact he has this huge project. But I’m kinda worried. He works too hard sometimes.”

He shakes his head, “He says he has to prove his new supervisor wrong. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s just as bad as Chanyeol when he gets competitive.”

They both roll their eyes at the memories from their adolescence that come flooding in.

“But you know how Baekhyun has this way with people? He usually gets along well with everyone. But he really loathes this new supervisor. Just the other day right—”

Kyungsoo nods along awkwardly, glancing at the entrance hoping for a tall idiot to come waltzing in. Jongdae seems to realise the situation and stops, then scratches his head in guilt.

He mumbles a soft apology that Kyungsoo ignores, and they sip their drinks in silence.

Chanyeol comes in right after that, announcing his presence by crashing into the glass doors with a loud thump. He cowers in pain and embarrassment as he enters the cafe, massaging his arm woefully, walking in quick strides to their table.

Kyungsoo and Jongdae snicker at him and the weird trance is broken. With Chanyeol there, they proceed to order some brunch, and spend a rare lunch break together.

❀✿❀✿❀

Brunch with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol ended sooner than he thought. Kyungsoo was tired, understandably, and Chanyeol was too excited to go back to his studio. Jongdae still had about 40 minutes of lunch break left, the academy was usually a 15 minutes walk for him, but 5 minutes if he took transit.

Looking at a tall glass building down the road, he decides he can afford the time to check up on Baekhyun at work.

Feeling inspired, he goes back into the cafe and orders a few of Baekhyun’s favourite delights and a cup of coffee.

A few minutes later, he’s taking a bus down to Baekhyun’s workplace. When he arrives, security buzzes Baekhyun’s floor and his secretary, recognising Jongdae, passes him in.

Jongdae takes the long elevator ride to the executive floor and comes to a busy floor.

“Jongdae!”

He turns at the call of his name to see Amber, Baekhyun’s long-time secretary. She seems happy enough to see him so he’s hopefully not catching them at a bad time.

“Hey Amber, I just came to drop off some food for Baek. Is he busy right now?”

“Oooh, umm,” she glances towards a big glass room, and that’s when Jongdae notices Baekhyun in it with a group of people, “They’ve been at it for an hour now, I don’t think they’re ending any time soon.”

She sends him an apologetic look and Jongdae pouts, “So he hasn’t had lunch, huh? That stubborn idiot.”

Amber laughs, “Well, you could just drop it off in his office. I’ll make sure to tell him you came by.”

Jongdae smiles at her in thanks and makes his way to Baekhyun’s office. He passes by the glass room and hopes Baekhyun would notice him, but the man is too engaged in explaining something to the group.

Jongdae snorts at him fondly. Suddenly, Baekhyun scowls and stares at one of the individuals in the room. It’s a woman in a dark red skirt suit. Her back is to Jongdae so he can’t see her face, but whatever she’s saying, it’s pissing Baekhyun off.

Somehow, Jongdae gathers that she must be the new supervisor that’s been stressing his boyfriend.

And as he expected, Baekhyun starts to argue with her vehemently. Jongdae shakes his head at him and continues the trek to his office.

Baekhyun’s office is an organised mess so Jongdae drops the takeaway on the guest table. He walks to Baekhyun’s work table and finds a sticky note to write on.

‘Don’t skip lunch!!! }:3 -JD’

He grins at his handiwork and puts the pen down right next to a picture frame. Pride blooms in his chest at the picture on it. It’s of them at Baekhyun’s university graduation. The main focus is on them; Baekhyun’s arm around his shoulder as he raises his certificate proudly in the air, but behind the two, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo can be spotted photobombing the picture.

Jongdae chuckles at the memory before going back to the guest table to paste the sticky note. He quickly exits the office after and once again passes by the meeting room.

He’s hoping Baekhyun notices him this time so he can give him a little wave, but of course, the man is still in the middle of an argument with the lady in red.

He sighs fondly at the passionate man, but notices that the other three people in the room are not participating in the same conversation. Rather than them stepping out though, it’s more of them being ignored.

But it’s not what catches his attention. It’s the fire in Baekhyun’s eyes as he explains with huge gestures. To others, he might look furious or upset, but Jongdae’s known him for more than a decade. He’s enjoying this.

“Jongdae! Dropped it off already?” Jongdae jumps at the interruption and faces Amber who sends him a questioning look.

“Oh, uhh, yeah. I-” he chances another look at Baekhyun, “I’m leaving soon. I have to get back to the academy.”

Amber nods at him as she offers to walk Jongdae to the lift.

“Uh, hey, Amber.”

“Mhm?”

“Who’s the lady Baekhyun’s talking to?”

Amber takes a look to see and pipes up excitedly, “Oh that’s Supervisor Kim! She’s new here but she’s a legend in the industry. She’s strict and gets work done straight away.”

She laughs, “Total opposite of Sir Baekhyun over there.”

Jongdae joins in half-heartedly.

Then the elevator dings to signal its arrival and he enters quickly, waving goodbye to Amber. He reaches the ground floor in no time and he leaves the building for the bus stop. He catches the bus to his academy and manages to arrive with a few minutes to spare.

All the while, he ignores the tightness in his chest.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae comes home later than expected. All afternoon, he’s been distracted and falling behind on work. Multiple times, his students had to ask if he was okay, and he could only wince in guilt at them.

He sighs as he pushes his keycard into the door to see that it’s already unlocked. His eyebrows jump in surprise and he pushes the door open.

“I’m home.”

“Welcome home.” He hears Baekhyun’s voice from the kitchen.

He takes off his shoes and strolls to the kitchen. He comes in just in time to see Baekhyun, still in his work clothes, finishing a glass of water.

Baekhyun offers him a bright smile, “Sorry, no dinner. I just got back too.”

Jongdae stops and suddenly forgets what he spent the whole day worrying about.

Baekhyun gives him a bizarre look and walks up to him.

He kisses Jongdae on the side of his lips, “You okay there, haha.” He pulls Jongdae into the kitchen and sits him down.

“Anyway, I received the best lunch today,” the playful tint to his voice pulls a small smile from Jongdae, “Too bad I didn’t get to meet the delivery guy. I bet he was hella cute.”

Jongdae grins at Baekhyun wiggling his eyebrows.

“So, you.” Baekhyun points at him, “Just sit still and continue looking cute for the chef of the day.”

Baekhyun puffs out his chest as he ties the apron around his neck and they exchange amused expressions.

“Well, aren’t you chirpy today.”

Baekhyun sends him a few glances as he takes out some cooking utensils from the drawers, “Yeah, well, the lunch was a really nice touch to my day. And work is… progressing.”

At the reminder of work, Jongdae stiffens up.

“Oh? Progressing how?” He hopes he doesn’t sound as he tense as he is.

“Well, the project itself is going great. But my supervisor is seriously…” Baekhyun pauses and Jongdae can feel the tension slowly tying a noose around his throat.

“Let’s just say she’s still a bitch.” He twists to give Jongdae a wide grin, “But it won’t be long before she has to acknowledge my talent.”

“Of course.”

❀✿❀✿❀

_ You know, scientists don’t take too kindly to the symbolism romanticists have attached to the disease. There is no scientific evidence out there that proves what flower you cough up means anything. Yet, psychologists entertain the idea anyway. _

_ And soon, people are also consulting florists to understand their disease. _

_ I don't understand why people make themselves suffer like that. I don't understand why I made myself suffer like that._

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae startles at the slam of the door followed by the sounds of a restless Baekhyun.

He gets up from his piano and walks out to the living room. Baekhyun plops down on the sofa hard.

“She hates me. My supervisor fucking hates me. I don’t know for what other reason another human being could torture someone like this.” Baekhyun groans out as he rubs his face in frustration.

Jongdae furrows his eyebrows in worry. He realises he’s been doing that quite often nowadays. He shuffles up behind Baekhyun on the couch and bows down to hug him around his shoulders. Baekhyun leans back on him and takes hold of Jongdae’s hands where it wraps around him.

What should Jongdae say in this moment to reassure him, when he himself is unsure of what’s happening. Jongdae opens his mouth to say something, anything, but what does he say?

He’s forced to let go as Baekhyun gets up from the sofa and starts walking off to the kitchen. Jongdae’s gaze follows him and Baekhyun stops and turns to him.

He realises his hand had unconsciously reached out to stop Baekhyun. Baekhyun gives him an inquisitive look and then adjusts Jongdae’s grip to hold his hand properly. He reads the concern on Jongdae’s face, but does he truly understand what worries him?

He squeezes his grip and smiles at him reassuringly, “It’s fine. I’m just going to take a glass of water.”

Jongdae lets go reluctantly. He ignores the doubt nagging at him.

He has no reason to doubt Baekhyun. Not Baekhyun. Not his Baekhyun.

There’s a silent agreement to skip dinner, and so Jongdae washes up and gets ready for bed. He gets into their bed first, nuzzling into the soft sheets and pillows. He listens to Baekhyun in the shower and waits.

He doesn’t know how long he waited, but he’s drifting off to sleep when Baekhyun finally joins him.

He takes comfort in Baekhyun pulling him in so their chests are flush against each other, and lets the warmth wash over him.

“I love you.”

Jongdae gives in to sleep, but he hears the reply in the quiet of their room.

“Love you too.”

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae’s phone rings in the middle of one of his sessions and he has to resist the urge to pick up the call he knows is from Baekhyun—the custom ringtone says as much.

He practices self-control and finishes the session with his student, and only when his student has left the room does he allow himself to check his phone.

Baekhyun didn’t leave any messages so Jongdae presses on his name to call him back. It rings for a couple of cycles before Baekhyun’s harried voice carries through.

“Jongdae, hey.”

“Baek, you okay?” Jongdae listens to the shuffling in the background, imagining Baekhyun at his desk.

“Yeah, I just called to tell you I’ll be working overtime tonight. Something came up with the project and we have to fix this before Monday.”

“Baek…” A protest is on the tip of his tongue. They’ve done this before. Back when Baekhyun first started out in the industry. When he overworked himself to the hospital.

“Jongdae, this is really important—” there is a coughing fit before he continues, “It’s just today. We have a milestone we have to reach on Monday and—”

“Baek, how are you still saying this when you’re coughing like that?”

Baekhyun sighs, “Please. I promise I’ll rest the whole weekend. No work at home or anything. I just really need to finish this here today.”

Jongdae considers his words, but there’s too many things going around in his head.

“Fine. Strictly no work at home.”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

Jongdae exhales to relieve this uncomfortable tightness from his chest, “Baek, take care of yourself please.”

“Yes. I will, I promise. Don’t wait up for me.”

Jongdae hums as a reply and is about to bid him goodbye when Baekhyun calls out his name.

“Jongdae.”

Jongdae waits. He prefers to think he imagined the hesitance in the pause.

“Thank you, I’ll see you at home.”

❀✿❀✿❀

The door opens slowly so as to not make much noise. It might be a Friday and Jongdae can stay up late since it’s the weekends, but it’s still a little past 12AM, so Baekhyun makes as little noise as possible.

He closes the door behind him and then leans on it for support. Finally at home, he takes a much needed deep breath, rubbing the ache around his temples. His headaches have become more frequent nowadays, but he just can’t afford to take a break.

He steps out of his shoes and drags his sluggish body out of the entrance hallway. He was about to make a beeline to their mini office when he spots a dark lump on the couch.

The lump is mostly covered by a navy blanket but the dark, fluffy tuft of hair and the tiny feet in baby pink socks popping out unmistakably belong to Jongdae.

Baekhyun huffs out an exasperated smile. Of course Jongdae fell asleep waiting for him in the living room. He can get angry all he wants, but he’s always too soft to hold a grudge for long.

He takes a few silent footsteps to stand directly beside the big lump. He crouches down so he is eye level and gently pulls the blanket down to reveal Jongdae’s peaceful sleeping form.

Jongdae unconsciously snuggles into himself at the sudden chill and Baekhyun smiles fondly at him, then his gaze clouds over and he pulls back from Jongdae’s face.

The movement jostles Jongdae and Baekhyun watches him blink the sleep away. He waits for Jongdae to realise he’s back and revels at the moment he does. Recognition literally lights up his eyes in a way that shines in the glow of the night.

Baekhyun tenderly tucks the hair away from Jongdae’s face and strokes his cheeks. Jongdae hums at him and stretches with contentment, not unlike a cat at all.

“I told you not to wait up.”

“I wanted to.” A heartfelt eye smile greets Baekhyun as he is reminded of one of the many reasons why he fell in love with this man.

“I’m home.”

Jongdae opens his arms wide and Baekhyun falls into his embrace without a say.

Jongdae doesn’t let go and Baekhyun has to carry him to their bedroom. It’s a struggle to carry dead weight while navigating in the dark and they laugh at their antics as they crash into the bed.

Baekhyun drops his messenger bag on the floor by the bedside table, not bothering to trek the distance to the office room when he’s this comfortable. He does get up to take his clothes off, throwing them aside until he’s only left in comfy boxers. Then he sinks into the bed behind Jongdae who’s fallen back into a half asleep state.

Baekhyun’s hug is tight as always, but desperate. As if he’s trying to prove something to himself.

❀✿❀✿❀

They wake up the next day around mid-morning. Jongdae cooks up some heavy brunch while Baekhyun cleans up the dirt and grime from yesterday. He might have been able to ignore it with the bliss of comfort yesternight, but his morning was horrible—waking up to a foul mouth and dried sweat.

He feels much more refreshed after getting out of the shower, but somehow just can’t shake off the grogginess and sluggishness of his body. Food is what he needs and it’s what Jongdae serves, so they eat heftily, talking here and there between bites.

“Oh, you’re not coming later. Stay home and _ rest_.” Baekhyun grumbles at Jongdae’s tone.

“_Rest_, Baek. I mean it.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes and pouts, but doesn’t argue—remembering the grogginess, and his body has been begging for rest for the past two weeks now. Plus, bouts of nausea and migraines have been attacking him, and not to mention the cold and flu he won’t be surprised he already has.

So that evening, he doesn’t protest much when Jongdae leaves their apartment to meet up with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol alone.

When Jongdae informs the other two, Chanyeol makes fun of Baekhyun’s inability to take care of himself while Kyungsoo smirks at the not so unexpected development.

“He sucks. 26 and still doesn’t know how to take care of himself. Booo,” Chanyeol jeers to no one in particular but Jongdae chuckles at his words.

“Well, that’s Baekhyun for you.”

Jongdae spaces out at the statement and the action doesn’t escape Kyungsoo. He meets his eye and almost panics at the suspicious glint in Kyungsoo’s gaze.

The slam of Chanyeol’s glass on the table snaps the moment, “Aaah! Nothing like some beer to celebrate the weekend.”

They move on to other topics after that, but even as he tries to put up a good front, he can’t evade Kyungsoo’s questioning looks.

❀✿❀✿❀

_After all is said and done, I finally wondered if that was the moment everything started to change. Had I realised, I might have been able to do something—anything._

_And then maybe things wouldn’t have ended up the way they did._

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae gets home early and spends the rest of the weekend taking care of Baekhyun, but his symptoms persist and it’s clear that Baekhyun has fallen sick.

“Your temperature’s okay, no fever. I still think you should go to the doctor’s though.”

Baekhyun pushes himself to sit up straight on the sofa, “No, I think some painkillers will do the trick and I’m all good.”

Jongdae scowls at him, “Baek…”

“It’ll be okay. Like you said, my temp’s okay. I’ll be careful, I swear. I won’t push myself and I’ll rest if it gets too much.”

“You're already pushing yourself too much.”

Jongdae shoots up from the couch where he was sitting beside Baekhyun and puts down the tray of medicines he had prepared onto the coffee table.

“I dare you to go to work, Byun Baekhyun. Stay at home if you know what’s good for you.”

“Jongd—”

Jongdae sends him a sharp glare, “That wasn’t a warning, Baek. That was a threat.”

❀✿❀✿❀

The next morning, Jongdae swallows the bitter lump in his throat as he stares at the fridge. A small yellow sticky note taunts him and he can almost feel a prick of a knife in his heart.

He finishes cleaning up his breakfast and throws the dishes into the washer in a matter of minutes. Without a second glance at the fridge, he leaves the apartment for work.

_ ‘Sorry, went to work. I’ll see you later. -B’ _

❀✿❀✿❀

Something changes from then on.

Everyday, Baekhyun goes to work and comes back home as if nothing’s wrong. He is sluggish, sickly, and looks like he can drop dead at any moment.

His coughs get worse, the bags under his eyes turn a shade darker for every all-nighter he pulls, and many times Jongdae has caught him cradling his head in pain.

Jongdae scolds him every time. He still helps him without question, but Jongdae can’t quite bring up the courage to ask him not to go to work again. Not when he can still feel the ghosts of the pinpricks he felt when he woke up to the empty space on Baekhyun’s side of the bed that morning.

It’s one night Baekhyun is holed up in his office again and Jongdae is bringing him his dinner. He doesn’t knock, he doesn’t see a reason to, so he feels a tad guilty when he enters and Baekhyun is talking avidly into his laptop.

Baekhyun locks eyes with him, surprise over his face, and he finishes up the call and ends it before Jongdae could take a good look at it.

He gets up from his chair and relieves the tray of food from Jongdae’s hands, “Thanks, Dae. And sorry I couldn’t join you for dinner, that was my supervisor on the call.”

“I didn’t ask,” the whisper that leaves him was unintentional. It was pure luck that Baekhyun didn’t hear it.

Jongdae watches Baekhyun carry the tray over to his desk and starts eating as he works.

“Baek, this isn’t healthy anymore.”

Baekhyun at least has the modesty to look guilty, “Jongdae, I—”

“Not for you, and not for me.”

Baekhyun stares at the hard expression on his face.

“I miss you, Baek. Come back to me.” His voice cracks towards the end and Baekhyun bolts up to engulf him in his embrace, and Jongdae’s arms come up automatically to welcome him.

He almost cries in relief. He misses this. He misses them. He doesn’t know why things are going like this. There’s something—something he’s not seeing. And it scares him so much.

That night they drown in a passion they haven’t engaged in for so long. Jongdae cherishes every touch, every caress, even as he winces in pain, because it’s been long. So long, and it’s exactly why he rushes it—urges Baekhyun to get on with it.

They finish fast, low on energy and high on fatigue. Baekhyun from work and Jongdae from thinking. But Jongdae doesn’t fall asleep, choosing instead to watch his lover give in to his body’s pleas for rest.

His eyes skim over Baekhyun’s pasty and thinning face. He brings a hand up and reaches out slowly, almost afraid to touch. To see if it’s real.

He’s exhausted too and being near a sick Baekhyun is also bound to make him sick. But his mind is running miles with endless thoughts. Thoughts he can’t even make of.

Jongdae forces himself to stay awake. His mind telling him to watch him, watch Baekhyun. Cherish him, cherish this moment. He doesn’t understand and he chokes on a sob. It’s all so confusing.

“Are you still mine, Baek…”

His body shuts down soon after, not realising what he said.

❀✿❀✿❀

_ Primrose. Young love. I can’t live without you. _

_ It was his first flower. A pastel pink bleeding into its yellow core. _

_ It was like my own. My only flower. A pink Camellia. _

_ Longing for you. _

❀✿❀✿❀

He’s doing his rounds of check, greeting coworkers here and there, when something buzzes in his pocket. He mistakes it for his pager at first, but realises it’s his personal phone.

He reads the message on the screen and pockets his phone back. He brisk walks back to his office and notifies one of the nurses that he’s going for a quick break. She nods at his back as he rushes off without her reply anyway.

JD: am here at your hospital~~ let’s have some coffee :3

He finds Jongdae seated in the main lobby. Jongdae pipes up when he approaches and he doesn’t hold back his wide smile at Jongdae.

“Hey Soo. Man, you look cool in your coat.”

Kyungsoo is six hours into his morning shift, wearing loose slacks and a worn out dark jumper Baekhyun gifted him years ago to spice up his wardrobe. Granted a doctor’s coat always vamps up anybody’s looks, _ cool _ is the last thing Kyungsoo would use to describe himself.

Not to mention, Jongdae, despite dressing up as comfortably as him, somehow manages to look so much better. An oversized, rustic orange cardigan over a white tee and plain black lounge plants. He looks like he just jumped out of bed, but no one judges him for it because he still looks all fluffy and handsome which is enough for society.

So he snorts at Jongdae and leads the way to the small mall connected to the hospital.

“What’re you doing here?”

Jongdae blinks at his question before answering, “Oh. Heh, I was just gonna go to the pharmacy to buy more meds, but Chanyeol was like ‘Our best friend is a certified doctor. Go get some from him for free what the heck’.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and snickers.

“More meds, for Baek? He’s not getting better?”

Something falls in Jongdae’s face then and Kyungsoo falters at the abrupt change in expression.

“Jongdae?”

“Yeah, he’s overworking again. And I don’t know. I just can’t convince him to rest.” Jongdae lets out a heavy sigh.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say to that. Baekhyun is relentless when it comes to his work. He’s even worse than Chanyeol. But Chanyeol only takes care of his body so he won’t get sick. He has no time to get sick, he says. So, he doesn’t know who’s worse.

“Workaholics.” he thinks out loud, rolling his eyes. Jongdae smiles distractedly in amusement, knowing exactly who he’s talking about.

“One day, I’m gonna suggest you slip a sleeping pill in his drink. It’s the only way to get that knucklehead to rest.”

This time Jongdae chuckles silently and Kyungsoo smiles at that.

“You know what, that day shall be today. Jongdae, slip some pills into his drink. I’ll give them to you later.”

Jongdae really laughs out loud this time. It’s rare for Kyungsoo to be making jokes, rare for Chanyeol and Baekhyun to _ not _ be making jokes enough for other people to do it. So when Kyungsoo does it, it’s really funny. And he has that dry sense of humour that Jongdae really finds hilarious too.

It manages to cheer him up at the moment. It’s nice. He misses just hanging out with Chanyeol or Kyungsoo individually just like this.

They finally step into the mall and Kyungsoo guides him to a cafe. There’s a few empty tables so they decide to go ahead and order first before taking a seat. Once they do, they get back on track with their conversation.

“He’s sluggish. He says he’s having lots of headaches. He was coughing a lot the other time too.”

Kyungsoo ponders his words and he was about to suggest some medication when there was suddenly a booming murmuring. He and Jongdae look at each other with confused faces, and look around the cafe.

They look in the direction of everyone’s gazes and land on a small table for two, and they finally understand the fuss.

A couple is sitting at a table. The girl looks shocked and overwhelmed with happiness, her hands covering her mouth, as she stares at the guy opposite of her who is holding out a bouquet of flowers.

Kyungsoo winces at the sight.

When the lady accepts the bouquet, everyone around them claps.

Somewhere, Kyungsoo overhears some people commenting on the scene.

“Wow, that must have took a lot of guts. Like, flowers? Yikes.”

“Damn, I could never.”

“Aww, oh my gosh, I hope I can get there someday!”

Kyungsoo blocks them out and turns back into his seat properly, he looks up and Jongdae is still watching the couple as they share embarrassed looks at the attention.

Jongdae would have been happy for them and he would’ve been vocal in his support, but he’s just staring blankly at them.

“Hey, Soo…?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes don’t leave Jongdae’s face, his body rigid as he waits for Jongdae to continue.

Then Jongdae snaps out of his stupor and realises what he was about to ask. He shakes his head quickly as if to shrug off the misstep.

“Nevermind, sorry. I just wanted to thank you for hearing me out. I know y—Nevermind, thank you.”

Kyungsoo coughs into his fist and rubs his head awkwardly, “It’s okay. As long as you’re happy… with my advice. So back to the sleeping pills?”

Jongdae laughs and they get back to talking about Baekhyun's condition.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae jolts awake on the couch when he hears a crash. His first thought is the TV he left on, but it’s on a boring talk show. No sounds of crashes or whatsoever. He hears clacks and bumps from the main doorway and rushes over.

Baekhyun staggering drunk into their apartment is what he’d expect. He did not expect Baekhyun to be fainting over on their floor.

“Baek!”

A quick glance from him is the only indication he’s noticed Jongdae’s presence. His breaths are short, panicking at the lack of air. His face is tight and he’s clutching his chest as if in unbearable pain. Jongdae quickly brings his arm up around his shoulders as he supports him to their room.

He lays Baekhyun down as gently as he could in his panic. He all but runs to the kitchen, hastily preparing a glass and jug of water. He rummages through their medical kit, taking the recent medicines he bought and places them all on a tray.

He is careful but swift, and when he reaches their bedroom, Baekhyun is struggling to undress from his stuffy suit. He puts the tray down on their bedside table and then helps him out. Baekhyun signals for the water and Jongdae pours some for him. They work in silence, only interrupted once in a while by Baekhyun’s coughing and wheezing.

Jongdae feels Baekhyun’s forehead and neck with the back of his hand. It’s warm but not hot. It could be from feeling stuffy in his clothes or an incoming fever. Whichever it is, Jongdae feels better to be safe than sorry.

He gets up and goes into their en suite bathroom. He pulls out a towelette and fills a bowl with cold water. He returns to the bedroom and Baekhyun is still in the same position as he had left him—back flat on the mattress, eyes closed, straining to breath.

He sets the amenities down on the floor as he kneels beside the bed. He wrings the towel in cold water and places it gingerly on Baekhyun’s head. When Baekhyun’s calmed down enough, Jongdae gets up to the living room to retrieve his phone.

He pulls out his chat with Kyungsoo and types. Kyungsoo comes online not even two minutes after his message.

KS: seems like a normal cold that’s worsened. it’s normal for adults to not have fevers from colds

KS: the difficulty in breathing is a bit weird though. it might be an anxiety attack from the stress.

Jongdae’s forehead creases in a deep frown. He really should have stopped Baekhyun from overworking sooner.

KS: did you put ice in the cold water?

JD: no, should I?

Jongdae starts heading for the kitchen.

KS: no, it’s fine. too cold and it might worsen his cold.

KS: but if he gets warmer, then just put some ice in.

JD: ok, thanks soo.

Jongdae allows a small sigh of relief before going back to check on Baekhyun. He’s still flat on his back but the steady rise and fall of his chest eases Jongdae’s distress a little.

The towel has warmed so Jongdae dips it into the basin of cold water again before replacing it on Baekhyun’s head. He spends the night repeating the cycle, going to the bathroom once in a while to replace the water.

He goes in and out of sleep until about 1AM, when he’s sure Baekhyun’s temperature is stable enough, and then he too joins Baekhyun on the bed to sleep.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae is jerked awake by an abrupt movement on the bed. He squints his eyes open and a fuzzy image of Baekhyun running to their bathroom is what he registers. He forces himself up when he realises Baekhyun could be in pain right now.

He trudges to their bathroom and sees that it’s not completely closed. Baekhyun must have really been in a rush and the thought worries Jongdae even further.

He grabs the edge of the door through the small gap and pushes the door open. He opens his mouth to call out for Baekhyun but freezes in his tracks, his breath leaving him in a mute gasp.

Baekhyun is heaving into the open toilet bowl as he holds on to it with a death grip. His hair is sticking to his face, damp from sweat, and his knuckles are turning white from his tight grip, a stark contrast to the tiny, yellow flowers coming out from his mouth.

Jongdae’s mind is blank as he tries to process the scene. Baekhyun. Coughing up flowers. Yellow flowers coming out from him.

Jongdae hears a whimper the same time Baekhyun retches, then realises the whimper came from him.

Baekhyun continues to retch, still not noticing him, so he retreats back into the bedroom and leaves the door the way he found it. He stands outside of the bathroom for a long moment, just listening to Baekhyun vomiting.

It takes all of his strength to force his body to move, go. Go to the kitchen, and so he does. He scans the area. 

Water. He needs water. Baekhyun needs water. And then breakfast, so he can take his medicine. With trembling hands, Jongdae starts on the mental list and prepares a simple meal for two.

An omelette should be quick and easy enough. Easy on the stomach cause Baekhyun was vomiting. 

Eggs. He should get eggs. He treads over to the fridge, opening it, and taking out a couple of eggs. He closes the door of the fridge and from his peripheral view, something yellow falls like a feather.

_ ‘Sorry, went to work. I’ll see you later. -B’ _

It was the sticky note. Yellow. Just like the flower.

He stands there motionless, the scene just now racing into his thoughts. Baekhyun is coughing up flowers. Because he has Hanahaki. Meaning he loves someone… who doesn’t love him back. But, there’s Jongdae. Jongdae loves him, loves him with all his might.

He turns back to the stove and turns the heat on, putting the pan on top of it. He beats the eggs in a bowl and once ready, dumps them into the pan and monitors it as it cooks. The eggs are done in a matter of minutes and he plates them up just as Baekhyun comes into the kitchen.

“G’morning,” he slurs his words and gives Jongdae an eye smile. Jongdae blinks away the ache in his chest.

“Hey, morning. Sorry, I heard you in there,” he watches Baekhyun flinch, “But I didn’t want to go in. You know me, sensitive stomach.”

“Yeah, it’s alright. I guess something upset my stomach yesterday.” Baekhyun’s posture relaxes as he sits down in front of the dining table where Jongdae has laid everything out for him—food, water, medicine, utensils, napkins.

Baekhyun stares at the set table for a long moment, then swallows his dry mouth, “Thank you, Dae.”

He starts on the food weakly, grimacing as if it pains him to eat.

They finish breakfast just like that, Jongdae just staring at Baekhyun. When they’re done, Jongdae grabs the plates and puts them into the sink.

“You get back to bed. I’ll do the dishes.” He doesn’t face Baekhyun as he says so. He doesn’t think he can.

He can hear Baekhyun opening his mouth, Jongdae hopes he’s not going to protest because Jongdae doesn’t know what he’d do.

Thankfully, Baekhyun leaves the kitchen curtly and Jongdae washes the dishes in peace.

He was stowing away the plates into the cupboards after drying them when he suddenly hears a crash from the bedroom. Uncaring of whatever he might see, he runs back to their bedroom and the sight that greets him is of Baekhyun struggling to put on his suit.

Jongdae gasps as he runs to him, “Baek! What are you doing? You seriously can’t be thinking of going to work, are you? Stay at home and rest!”

Baekhyun gladly takes his offered arm as he pushes himself up, “No, Jongdae, I can’t. I need to go to work. I need—” He frowns to himself before pushing on.

He stands up straight and firm, taking Jongdae’s hands away from his arm and holding it in his. He tries to look reassuring as he grins at Jongdae.

“Jongdae, it’s just today. I just really need to check up on the team. We have a very important meeting and—”

“That’s what you said last time. That it was just ‘for today’.”

Baekhyun avoids his accusing glare, he sighs heavily, “I know, I know, and I’m sorry. But I promise. Today’s the last. After that, you can lock me up at home till I’m better. But please, just for today.”

Jongdae looks into his eyes and feels the defeat crushing him at the unwavering determination in them.

They simmer in the silence as Jongdae decides what to do. Why? Why is he always so confused nowadays? Why is—why does he not know what to do? What to say?

“I can’t stop you. I never could have.”

Baekhyun chuckles, probably thinking of all his stubborn moments—not understanding exactly what Jongdae had meant.

Jongdae sneers humourlessly, “Go.”

He offers his gratitude with a smile and makes for the door.

“Baek?”

He turns back.

“Please come back…”

Baekhyun blinks at him before smiling, “Of course.”

❀✿❀✿❀


	2. ii

❀✿❀✿❀

_People think Hanahaki is this unexplainable phenomenon, and it is, but not entirely. Most would think that we don't know how it works, but we do. Hanahaki. This disease, it’s not just a physiological sickness._

_It’s psychological._

_If you think—if you know that they don't love you, then that's when it starts to kill you._

❀✿❀✿❀

He looks around and scans the lobby for Jongdae. It takes him a while before he finally spots him seated at a corner. He realises why he couldn’t find him then.

Jongdae, who is usually exuberant and radiant with energy, now looks lifeless and closed-off. He has his arms crossed over his chest, his torso slouching inwards, and his head bowed down. And when he looks up at Kyungsoo’s approach, his eyes are equally as lifeless.

Jongdae smiles irregardless, “Hey Soo.”

He scowls at the obvious forced smile plastered on Jongdae’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Jongdae shakes his head as he stands up.

“No, what happened?”

Jongdae gives him a pleading look, “Not here, please. Can we get coffee first or something?”

Kyungsoo nods at him hesitantly and they proceed in silence all the way to the cafe. He steals glances at Jongdae every few steps or so, worried about the dazed man.

He releases a sigh of relief when they finally sit at the cafe and he offers to buy them drinks. He doesn’t even know if Jongdae heard him or not. So he quickly orders, pays, and waits. Then, he hurries back to their table after and coaxes Jongdae to drink.

He watches him drink and shows the questions he wants to ask on his face.

Jongdae then finally meets his eyes squarely, “Kyungsoo, I’m sorry.”

His entire body stiffens.

“I’m so sorry to ask this. But I don’t know who else—” Jongdae chokes on air and Kyungsoo surges from his seat. Jongdae stops him with a small raise of his hand and he sits back down reluctantly.

“Hanahaki.”

Kyungsoo stops breathing.

“How does it work?”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows wrinkle heavily in confusion. If this wasn’t about that, why else would Jongdae ask about this?

Kyungsoo is unsure, but his voice is firm as he answers, “The obvious; you love someone,” he stares hard into Jongdae’s eyes, “And they don’t love you back.”

Jongdae looks down and fiddles with his fingers under the table.

“Can it only be that? Like, can’t someone just suddenly cough up flowers? For no reason? Is that not possible?”

Kyungsoo shuffles in his seat as he avoids meeting Jongdae’s gaze, “No, it’s not. This phenomenon has long ago been identified to be a cause of unrequited feelings—specifically, those romantic in nature.”

There is a short silence, only the bustling of the cafe filling it in. Then Kyungsoo looks up and Jongdae is smiling helplessly at him, “Then why is he coughing flowers, Soo?”

Kyungsoo freezes at the implication of that question, “Wha—”

Jongdae suddenly folds over as painful coughs overcome his body. This time, he can’t stop Kyungsoo as he rushes over to him. He eases Jongdae’s torso back up, tilts his head back, and pulls his chin to open his airway.

They’re garnering attention but the irritated look from the doctor is all it takes for passersby to look away, and he leaves the crowd control to the cafe staff.

“Breathe, Jongdae, breathe. Don’t think. Don’t think about it. Just breathe.”

Jongdae doesn’t remember how long they were like that or how he ended up sitting like a child on the floor. All he knows is that Kyungsoo was there throughout the whole ordeal, calming him, reassuring him.

After that, they don’t stay in the cafe, Kyungsoo walks him back to the hospital and sits with him in the main lobby for the rest of his break. He doesn’t know when he did, but apparently he had called Chanyeol to pick Jongdae up.

A few minutes later, Chanyeol comes jogging in with a concerned face. He has so many questions but Kyungsoo warns him off before he could ask, “Just send him home. He can’t go home alone like this.”

Chanyeol tries again, but Kyungsoo knows what he’s about to ask and shakes his head at him, “Just do it.”

He nods but there’s a resolution in his eyes, ‘You’re explaining this to me later.’ He then reaches out a hand towards Jongdae, who takes the big palm and squeezes it feebly, but otherwise shows no reaction to Chanyeol’s presence.

They stroll out of the hospital, Chanyeol yapping away about his recent work, and Kyungsoo watches their back until he can’t see them anymore.

He sighs as he walks back to his office.

❀✿❀✿❀

Chanyeol chatters the whole trip back to Jongdae’s apartment. It’s not much of a distraction, but Jongdae tries to smile to show his appreciation anyway. Also because no matter how discreet Chanyeol thinks he is, Jongdae notices him stealing glances at him ever so often in the middle of his latest story.

They arrive at his apartment and Chanyeol, ever so a gentleman, helps him out of the car and into the building. They trek slowly up to Jongdae’s apartment and when they reach, Chanyeol ushers him to the couch.

“Will you be okay? D’you want me to stay with you?”

Jongdae shakes his head at Chanyeol and sinks into the couch, “I’ll be fine, Yeol. You can go back to work. Thank you and sorry you had to fetch me.”

Chanyeol doesn’t look convinced, “Well, have you told Baek? Is he coming home soon? Someone needs to take care of you.”

Jongdae stays silent and the confusion on Chanyeol’s face is patent.

“Dae?”

Jongdae musters all the courage he has at the moment and looks at Chanyeol.

“Yeol. I’ll be okay,” he smiles.

Chanyeol is surprised at the sudden radiant smile but grins back anyway.

“Well, okay! Then, I’ll leave first. I know you don’t want to disturb Baek at work, but still.” With his back turned to Jongdae, he misses the brittle turn of Jongdae’s smile.

“At least ask him to come home earlier, okay? I’ll message him about it. Bye!”

Jongdae listens to Chanyeol’s exit and once he’s confident he’s gone, he drags himself to the bedroom and drops into the bed. He proceeds to smother his face into the pillows, breathing in the scent. The scent of fabric softener mixed with the scent of Baekhyun.

He feels a pang in his heart at the thought, but wills it all away. He falls asleep and thinks that maybe, when he wakes up, it will all go away.

❀✿❀✿❀

_Hanahaki is medically classified as a sarcoma; a rare type of cancer—or at least it used to be._

_Many experts in the past have argued about the origin of the tumor—the flowers. Where does it start? Some say the lungs, some say the heart._

_It was difficult to pinpoint exactly where. The medical field doesn’t get that many chances to study the early stages of the disease. Not many people realise they actually have it until they’re begging for the doctor’s help to stop it—please stop the flowers._

❀✿❀✿❀

When Jongdae comes to, it’s just a little past 6PM. If Baekhyun kept his promise of not going overboard and to come back, he should be arriving soon for dinner. So, Jongdae forces himself up and goes to prepare some food.

As he walks to the kitchen and starts on dinner, the events of this morning come back to him and his sleep addled mind can’t decide if it was a memory or a dream.

God, how he wishes it were just a dream. But he knows it wasn’t. And it’s making him feel so confused and disoriented, and it feels like it’s been days when in reality, it happened this morning, and he doesn’t know—he doesn’t know anymore.

The main door opening and closing in swift motion signals Baekhyun’s arrival, but no matter how much Jongdae wants to act normal and call out for him, his voice does not cooperate with him.

So he continues to fry the meat on the pan, his attention wavering as he listens out for Baekhyun. He braces himself as the sounds of footsteps quickly approach the kitchen.

He can almost hear his pounding heartbeat through the sizzling sounds of the oil, and then he feels a soft tap on his back.

Jongdae wasn’t expecting the touch. A call out of his name maybe, not the soft touch or the concerned look on Baekhyun’s face.

“Dae, you okay? You didn’t hear me come in?”

Baekhyun scans his spooked face just as Jongdae scans his. He still looks pasty and worn out, but Jongdae knows he is not imagining the relief in his posture.

Baekhyun’s shoulders sag differently, not from fatigue anymore but as if a huge burden has been taken off from it. And even with sagging shoulders, his back is straight—confident. Jongdae can only imagine what’s happened.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… didn’t hear you. You startled me.” He gives Baekhyun a hesitant smile and goes back to cooking. He’s acting really weird, but Baekhyun doesn’t call him out on it and instead gives Jongdae’s cheek a quick peck before going off to change.

When he comes back to the kitchen, the food is set and Jongdae is waiting for him at the dinner table. He has a vacant expression on his face and his eyes are unfocused as he stares at the food.

“Jongdae, are you okay? Chanyeol told me what happened, but he said you looked fine when he left.”

Jongdae gazes into Baekhyun’s open expression. He doesn’t spot any tricks behind his genuine, concerned face, and Jongdae is almost convinced this morning’s events really were just a play of his mind.

“I tried to finish up work as quickly as possible to get home, but,” he shies away apologetically. And so Jongdae spots it. Finally, a crack.

Jongdae’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes as he speaks, “It’s okay.”

Baekhyun laughs softly then, and Jongdae’s eyebrows furrow deeper as the sound echoes in his ears, “I guess we both need to rest up, huh?”

Jongdae offers him another small smile before he starts on his food. He’s not in the mood to talk anymore, and Baekhyun doesn’t seem to mind—digging into his own food.

❀✿❀✿❀

_When I try to pinpoint a particular moment,_   
_even this seamlessly ever-changing world, _   
_like slowly drifting smoke, _   
_changes suddenly_

_Look._

_The world is already different_   
_to the one from a moment before._

_In that case,_   
_there might not be a single thing _   
_that's the same between yesterday and today._

_There's probably not a single thing_   
_in this whole world that doesn't change._

_-Sakurai Taiki (a translation)_

❀✿❀✿❀

Somehow, Baekhyun and Jongdae act as if nothing’s changed.

Baekhyun continues to come home to Jongdae everyday, like he wasn’t just coughing flowers. And Jongdae welcomes him home every time, like he never caught him coughing flowers. But things are different now.

Everything doesn’t feel the same anymore—the kisses, the hugs, the hand-holding, just everything.

Baekhyun still kisses him. A quick peck before he goes off, another when he comes back.

Baekhyun still hugs him. An embrace at night when they’re both cold, a hug when he sees him.

Baekhyun used to shower him with kisses. On his face, his neck, his shoulder. He had called Jongdae perfect.

Baekhyun used to hug him so tight. Hug him like his own life depended on it. Hold him as if he was going to disappear from his sight in the morning. Now he hugs him like it's an obligation.

Baekhyun used to hug him. Now, he’s just a fading comfort of a warm body.

It hurt.

And Baekhyun gets better. The life that was sucked out of him from before, returns like the sun reclaiming its place. He shines.

He wakes up energetic, gets out of bed slowly so as to not disturb Jongdae, then he walks with a bounce in his step to the bathroom, getting ready for the day.

He has breakfast and then bids Jongdae goodbye before almost skipping his way to work

There were stars in his eyes. But they weren’t shining for Jongdae.

And Jongdae gets worse. The joy of life and love he had walked with, flees from him as if scared of drowning in his sadness. He cries.

He wakes up lethargic, listens to the stable breathing of Baekhyun, ensures he’s still there—still with him, and feigns sleep when he wakes up for the day.

He prepares food when Baekhyun is in the bathroom and sits through breakfast quietly examining him. Then Baekhyun finishes, gives him a quick goodbye kiss, and leaves. Jongdae washes the dishes through the haze.

There were tears in his eyes. And they were for the love they once had.

❀✿❀✿❀

“Teacher Kim, are you okay?”

Jongdae looks up from his music book to the young girl opposite of him after he has another coughing fit in the span of their lesson, which has only been going on for sixteen minutes.

“You’re coughing a lot. Sweating a lot too, even though it’s cold.”

Jongdae wipes his forehead and looks down at the wetness on his fingers. Was he catching something? Was it from when Baekhyun was sick? But he wasn’t—

“I’m okay, Jisoo. Thank you for your concern.” He gives her a grin and gets back to the lesson, not giving her a chance to prod further.

Jongdae lets out a heavy sigh when she leaves the small music room almost an hour later, and he’s alone with his thoughts again. He checks his watch. His next student comes in in fifteen minutes. It’s too much time.

He sighs again as he prepares his other teaching materials, but even as he takes all the time in the world, only four minutes pass by. He rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone, he has no social media but he’ll find something, anything, hopefully.

He has a few unread messages. A few from his family, some from Chanyeol, none from Baekhyun, and one from Kyungsoo.

KS: Is tmr still on?

Jongdae stares at the message for a long time. He starts typing a reply, then deciding against it, he deletes it and locks his phone.

He gets up from his seat and leaves the room for the pantry to get some tea. On the way, he bumps into his next student and gives a sincere smile for once, relieved that he has something to take his mind off from all these confusing thoughts.

But he can’t avoid them for too long, because at the end of the day, he still goes home to a shared apartment where the cause of all these problems reside. Where their love used to reside.

Jongdae always comes home to a dark apartment. He’s used to it. He gets off work earlier so he’s always the one who arrives home at first. The darkness never bothered him. Every time he’d come home, he’d simply turn on the lights, get unready, do some work if he had, prepare dinner for two, and just idle away.

It never bothered him, because he was always looking forward to his return. To Baekhyun coming home. Baekhyun coming back into his arms.

Why is that?

Why is it that Baekhyun still comes back?

Jongdae’s head hurts again as he unlocks the apartment door. And then his heart hurts, because it’s dark. And it’s empty. And he’s no longer looking forward to filling it with light and activity—a warm place to welcome Baekhyun to.

Why? Why? Why?

Why does he still come back?

Jongdae winces in pain as another round of numbing pain hits him, and for a moment, he can’t breathe. He rushes into the apartment and plops down onto the sofa. He just lays there listlessly, willing all the pain to go away.

He looks at the wall clock, 6.47PM. It’s almost time for dinner. Although he has no appetite, there’s Baekhyun. But he hardly ever comes back home early anymore. He always comes home late, tired but looking satisfied.

But still, he comes back. Should Jongdae be happy with that?

Messy thoughts again. He pulls himself together and finally goes about his night. He washes up in the bathroom, turning the dial of the water to the hottest to relieve all the aches and tightness of his muscles—of his whole body.

It burns his skin, but it does the trick. He stands under the shower head for so long, he doesn’t hear the opening and closing of doors. It’s only when he steps out of the bathroom after putting on clean clothes, and out into the hallway does he realise that Baekhyun is back.

The door to their mini office is slightly ajar and he can hear the muffled voice of Baekhyun talking to someone. He walks up to the room but pauses as memories of a similar scene rush to his foremind.

But it’s too late to turn away. From his vantage point, he can hear everything loud and clear.

“No, I did not run away, haha. If anyone’s running away, that’s you, Ms-I-can’t-admit-I’m-wrong.”

A heartfull laugh spills out freely into the room and the sound of it forces Jongdae back. How long has it been since he heard Baekhyun laugh like that?

“Yes, yes. I’ll get it done and deliver it to you personally on Monday, Madam Supervisor. Wax sealed like the whole Elizabethian shebang you like. Oh, and the—”

Jongdae practically runs back into the bathroom and locks it behind him with a loud slam. He doesn’t care if Baekhyun had heard. He just felt so sick listening to that one-sided conversation just now.

It might sound like a normal conversation between close coworkers. In fact, Baekhyun definitely plays around and teases his coworkers. It’s how he makes such great rapport with his subordinates.

But Jongdae has known Baekhyun for years. Has loved him for most of those years. Has been loved in return. He knows what Baekhyun’s like when he’s showing affection. When he’s playing around endearingly. When he’s in love.

He knows because he has been on the receiving end of it for years.

To hear it… and not for him… is—

Then suddenly, he hears a sob. He jumps up from where he was seated on the closed toilet bowl and looks around, spooked. Then he catches his reflection in the mirror.

Tear-streaked face, red puffy eyes, dark under eyes. It was him. The sob came from him.

He watches himself cry. Watching his reflection’s face sync with the sniffling and heaving of his cries.

This time, he doesn’t miss the closing of a door and listens closely for the incoming footsteps. A knock on the door.

“Dae? Jongdae? Are you okay in there?”

He rubs the moisture in his eyes away in a haste, the motion irritating his skin. He turns the tap on and splashes his face with cold water, a wake up call, he even scoops up some water into his parched mouth.

Another knock.

“Dae?”

He grabs a towel and pats his face dry, and then in a coordinate manner, he opens the door and turns the lights off.

“Baek, you’re back. Sorry, yeah, I was okay. I didn’t hear you arrive.”

In the soft glow of the night, Jongdae can’t really make out Baekhyun’s features, but that just means Baekhyun can’t see his too.

“Yeah, I arrived quite some time ago but I heard you showering, so I didn’t disturb you.”

Jongdae nods at him and saunters over to the bed.

Baekhyun follows him, not hiding his puzzled face at Jongdae’s strange behaviour, “Then I heard a slam. Are you okay?”

Jongdae sits on the bed and Baekhyun kneels in front of him. He doesn’t know if he’s lucky that he’s back-facing the window. He’s against the light so Baekhyun won’t be able to see his pain-stricken face properly. But then the light from outside hits Baekhyun’s face just right, and his worried expression is illuminated beautifully by the moon’s shine.

Jongdae is so painfully in love with this man.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

_I love you, and it’s killing me._

Jongdae closes his eyes and gulps, “It’s nothing. I’m okay. I think I’m getting sick because of you.”

The hand on Jongdae’s knees tenses and slides off. He looks down at it and grimaces at the meaning behind that.

“Well, it can’t be helped since I was with you the whole time when you were sick.”

“Right, right.”

“I just need to rest it off.”

Baekhyun gets up and Jongdae has to crane his head up to keep his eyes on him.

“I’m gonna sleep early tonight. I also don’t think I’ll be going for tomorrow’s meet up.”

“Of course, yeah,” Baekhyun looks around before going to the closet to take a change of clothes, “I guess it’s your turn to not come, huh?”

Jongdae laughs weakly at the joke and watches Baekhyun.

“Well then, I won’t disturb you. I’ll use the outside bathroom, and I’ll try and come in quietly later at night.”

Jongdae keeps the rueful smile on his face and after collecting all he needs, Baekhyun wishes him a good night and rest, and leaves the room.

Even after he hears the muffled clinking of plates and utensils from the kitchen, he continues to stare at the closed door, imagining Baekhyun peeping in with a wide smile at him. Then the memory fades. The door is closed, Baekhyun is not by his side, and their relationship is falling apart.

❀✿❀✿❀

The next day, Jongdae continues to avoid Baekhyun in the pretence of resting. Baekhyun brings him small meals to bed, Jongdae feigns to be asleep in those times and if his small coughs give him away, Baekhyun doesn’t acknowledge it. He leaves Jongdae with food, some medicines, a glass of water, and then secludes himself in their office.

Jongdae avoids Baekhyun but yearns for him all the same. He doesn’t know why he’s making himself suffer like this, but random memories of small moments they shared all flash through his mind. How he couldn’t be happier then. How he took it all for granted.

Evening comes and Baekhyun comes back into the room to leave Jongdae his dinner. Then notices the untouched food he dropped off during lunch and furrows his eyebrows in worry.

He brings a hand up to shake Jongdae awake, but the steady rise and fall of his body stops him. He should just let him rest. If he was hungry, he would have woken up and ate. Satisfied with the deduction, Baekhyun leaves a new plate of food on the bedside table.

He walks to their wardrobe and changes into a casual but warm get up. He’s done changing in a matter of minutes and checking for his keys and wallet, he moves to leave to meet up with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

Before he leaves, something pulls him back. A feeling, stirring something up in his stomach. He glances back on Jongdae’s huddled form and walks towards him. He bends down and kisses Jongdae’s head gently.

Everything will be okay.

_ That was what he thought. _

❀✿❀✿❀


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ How many scars have we justified, because we loved the person holding the knife? _

❀✿❀✿❀

_ When a person contracts Hanahaki, they start the disease at Stage 0. _

_ Stage 0 symptoms are classified as; _

  * _Uncomfortable tightness in the chest_
  * _Itchy sensation around the abdomen area_
  * _Early symptoms start gradually and can usually be mistaken for normal influenza_

_ Depending on interaction with the enamoured and the feelings involved, the disease could progress to Stage I (Bud Stage) and Stage II. New symptoms start to occur and previous symptoms become more pronounced and severe. _

❀✿❀✿❀

“Yo noodle, penguin. The Baek is here.” Baekhyun smirks at his two friends and takes a seat. Chanyeol rolls his eyes while Kyungsoo frowns at him.

“What are you doing here?”

Baekhyun’s glass stops midway to his mouth and he considers the question with a baffled expression, “Umm, cause this is our thing? Am I not invited today?”

Chanyeol tucks his lips and watches the tense exchange awkwardly. Kyungsoo’s frown grows deeper.

“Jongdae is sick. Why are you here not taking care of him?”

Baekhyun feels his hackles bristle at Kyungsoo’s accusing tone, “I took care of him, made sure he was okay before coming here. To see you guys. Cause you’re my friends too?”

“You still shouldn’t be here.”

Baekhyun scoffs as he puts his chopsticks down, the utensils clattering about increasing the tension.

“Guys…”

“Last I remember, Jongdae still came to see you guys when I was sick. What. Jongdae can do it, but I can’t?” The grin on Baekhyun’s face is anything but amused as he stares Kyungsoo down.

“Woah, okay, chill Baek. Guys, seriously calm down.” Chanyeol pats their arms to placate them. It works on Baekhyun, the man picking up his chopsticks and stuffing his mouth with meat, but not so much for the other.

Chanyeol eyes Kyungsoo warily. He still looks ruffled up—has been since Chanyeol arrived to see him seated alone. He’s worried about Jongdae, they all are. But Kyungsoo even moreso.

It’s to be expected. But there’s another underlying reason, Chanyeol suspects it. And Kyungsoo is hiding it from him, what with him being a doctor. Him lashing out at Baekhyun for not taking care of Jongdae more than he already is means… 

Jongdae’s condition is worse than they thought?

Chanyeol pins Kyungsoo with a firm gaze as Baekhyun minds them and continues eating. Kyungsoo meets it with his own resolute face and Chanyeol is sure of it. There’s something wrong.

“Soo, there’s something you’re not telling us, right? About Jongdae?”

Baekhyun stops eating and looks up at them. Chanyeol is pinning Kyungsoo down with a hard stare, “You still haven’t told me what happened at the hospital.”

“Wait—hospital? Jongdae was sent to the hospital? When was this?” The table rattles as Baekhyun leans forward towards them, alarmed face searching for answers from his friends.

“Baek, you didn’t know? That day I told you I picked Jongdae up and dropped him off at your apartment.”

Baekhyun directs his glare towards Chanyeol, “No, nobody told me. _ You _ didn’t tell me you picked him up from the hospital. I thought you picked him up from work!”

Kyungsoo sneers at him and his attention refocuses back onto the doctor.

“And why didn’t you tell me, Soo? You planned to keep it all to yourself?”

Chanyeol doesn’t hesitate to slap his palm on Baekhyun’s chest as he warns him, “Hey.”

Baekhyun flares up but backs down at the warning, and then shifts his glare over to Chanyeol.

“You didn’t tell me Jongdae was sent to the hospital. You said he wasn’t feeling well and that you picked him up.”

Chanyeol is hesitant as he tries to explain, “He wasn’t sent to the hospital. I was just told to pick him up cause he wasn’t well. And then I dropped him off after making sure he was okay alone.”

“Well, I didn’t know about any of this.”

“Well, that’s hardly a surprise.”

Baekhyun scowls at the interjection.

“What is that supposed to mean, Soo?” His voice is low and threatening. This is dangerous territory they’re stepping into. But Kyungsoo will meet him head on.

Then he remembers a conversation with Jongdae after the incident at the hospital. It had been a few days after and Kyungsoo had decided to check on Jongdae.

Kyungsoo remembers Jongdae struggling to hold his composure and his anger flares, but he also remembers his pleading for Kyungsoo to let it go. To let him be for now.

He sighs heavily and breaks the staredown between him and Baekhyun, “Nothing like what you’re thinking. I just want to say that don’t you think you’ve been too busy nowadays?”

Baekhyun backs down from his glare and looks surprised at the question. Kyungsoo observes his reaction and Chanyeol’s. This really wasn’t the time and he shouldn’t act without Jongdae’s permission.

“He misses you and worries about you. And now, he’s getting sick too.” He picks his chopsticks up to pick at the food, hoping to defuse the tense mood between them.

“Just slow down on your work and think about him too.”

❀✿❀✿❀

_ “I don’t really want to talk about this, Soo,” Jongdae sighed, averting his gaze and nodding off towards the open window. _

_ “Jongdae.” Kyungsoo pulls his attention by putting his hand over his, “This is serious. You could—” _

_ “No, Soo. Please. Just give me a bit of time for now please.” _

❀✿❀✿❀

They all keep up their meaningless pretense for a few more weeks and it tears at the seams of Jongdae’s sanity. Baekhyun’s late nights and workaholic tendencies continue to remain a norm, and Jongdae wonders when exactly did that become the norm for them.

When did these irregularities in their relationship become normal to him? Outwardly, Baekhyun acts the same. But it’s these minute changes that keep nagging at Jongdae’s head and it hurts him.

“Why are you still holding on?” Kyungsoo had asked him in what is now their regular coffee meetings.

Jongdae grimaces, “I ask myself that too.”

He looks towards the distance.

“It’s not that easy, is it…”

Jongdae probably didn’t mean to ask Kyungsoo that so he hesitates to answer, but after a moment he nods his head.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae treks up the stairs of their apartment building to his floor. The elevators broke down because of an incident Jongdae could care less about, but because of it he has to take the arduous task of going up the stairs in his worn out state. He breathes heavily as he takes the final steps and makes his way over to his apartment door.

In his daze, Jongdae forgets to take out his keycard and simply pushes the door open. He doesn’t notice the oddity of that and just walks in. When he pulls himself out of his daze long enough to look up properly, he realises that the lights are on. The TV is playing some latest hits, a slight smoke is drifting out from the kitchen bringing with it a delicious aroma, and he can hear a soft familiar humming.

“Baek?” The humming stops and a few seconds later, the man himself pops out from the partition wall separating the kitchen.

“Dae! Welcome home.” He disappears back into the kitchen straight after.

“Come in, come in. I just got done with dinner!”

Jongdae follows his voice like a lost ship to a siren. He stops right in front of the kitchen and Baekhyun is there, in front of the stove, tending to the cooking food.

“You’re here.”

Baekhyun spares him with a quick glance and chuckles, “Yes, haha. I know, I know. Surprise, haha.”

He turns the stove off, dishes the food up, and quickly sets the dining table as he continues talking, “It’s just that we finished real early at the office today.”

He checks his handiwork for a second and dashes off to their wine cabinet. He pulls out a pair of wine glasses and an old wine they don’t really drink, then notices Jongdae hasn’t moved an inch from the kitchen entrance.

“You just gonna stand there?” he asks, all smiley and high on energy.

Jongdae lags at the smile but makes his way to join Baekhyun at the table. Baekhyun grins at him.

Jongdae sits with him, scans the fancy food, the wine, the filling glass, then back to Baekhyun capping the wine back up, “What’s the occasion?”

Baekhyun pipes up at the question, “Really good day at the office. We had a presentation to our sponsors and they all loved it.”

He starts on his food as he continues to talk in between bites, excitedly telling Jongdae about his day, “Then after, the whole floor went out for a big celebratory lunch and we ended the day there! I actually reached home before 5PM.”

“You had lunch for four hours?” Jongdae starts on his own plate.

Baekhyun chews his food and gives Jongdae a funny look. He swallows the food in his mouth before answering, “Haha, Jongdae, no, come on. I don’t think my body can handle that much food. Most of the time was spent just talking to the team and catching up with people!”

Baekhyun sips his wine, “Man, you will not believe the shit Inseong from Editorial has been up to!”

Jongdae can’t help being caught up in Baekhyun’s energy and soon is laughing softly with him. This was it. This was what he needed. This was what he’s been missing. 

Baekhyun bursts into a loud laugh at a particular part of a story he’s telling, and Jongdae struggles to hold back a relieved cry. This is his Baekhyun.

He’ll leave the depressing thoughts for later. Now, just for now, he’ll cherish this moment. Because his Baekhyun is finally here, with him, laughing and smiling, and he wasn’t and hasn’t for a long time.

So Jongdae will give him all his attention. Laughing and gasping with him as he recounts all the gossip and stories he heard the whole day. Oh, Jongdae misses this so much. He wants this back so much.

“Then she called it Blood Orange, and Inseong threw her out faster than he shouted ‘It’s fucking red!’”

Jongdae wills the crushing sensation away from his chest and breathes out a giggle at the ridiculous story. He nods at Baekhyun as the man continues to prattle on, and eyes the glass of wine and grabs it.

He gulps it down despite the bitter taste it leaves on his tongue, instead focusing on the relief he hopes it’ll bring to his itchy throat. It does the opposite, the drink drying out his mouth. His discomfort must show on his face, because Baekhyun stands.

“Haha, wine never really was your thing, huh? I’ll get you some water,” he walks to the fridge and brings out a pitcher of cold water as he says, “Oh, and y’know during the big meeting, one of the sponsors dissed our intern. Remember the young Thai boy I told you about?”

He walks back to the table with a glass of water and hands it over to Jongdae. Jongdae takes it graciously and drinks.

“Like the sponsor was giving out some constructive criticism at first, but then he suddenly took a jab at his accent. That really pissed me off, you know.”

Jongdae keeps the glass of water in his hands as he looks back at Baekhyun talking, but the man isn’t looking at him. He’s facing Jongdae but his gaze is far—not here.

“And then just as I was about to give him a piece of my mind, she steps in and shuts him up in less than five words. Just like that,” his gaze breaks and he meets Jongdae’s eyes, “My new supervisor, I mean. Haha, I think everyone was awed by her at that moment. Ten looked in love.”

He looked in love.

Jongdae drops the glass of water and it shatters to the floor the same time he does. Because he looks in love.

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun is standing and rushing over to his side of the table as Jongdae sinks to the floor beside the broken glass. But Jongdae’s not even thinking about that.

His senses are going wild. Tight. Prickly. Suffocating. This strong urge to hack. Pain. Hurt. Not from the broken glass.

He can’t take it anymore, he brings his bleeding hand up to his mouth and wheezes. The coughs were coming up fast and frequently now and on a particularly rough one, he feels the scratching of the soft tissue lining his throat and petals spill out his mouth.

A mix of pastel pink and yellow petals are an unsurprising sight, but the tiny, vivid red buds are a new addition.

Jongdae’s eyes glaze into empty shells at the significance of a third flower but the sounds of glass clinking steals his attention. Baekhyun is stepping over the glass with his slippers as he looks down on Jongdae’s crouched figure.

The step was unconscious from the look on his face. It’s focused solely on Jongdae and the petals gathered in his palms.

“Jongd—”

Jongdae coughs up some more. Japanese Primrose. Yellow Rose. And this new red one. He’d have to search about this one.

Baekhyun rushes to his aid and stutters while asking, “J-Jongdae, what, this is—”

He reaches out a hand but Jongdae slaps it away and tearfully replies, “Don't act like you don't know why this is happening Baek.”

Jongdae’s not mad. He’s not angry. Ever since he found out, all the emotions he’s had has been confusion, grief, resignation. Never anger. But everything has taken a toll on him and he is so tired.

So tired of having to accept the situation. Trying to salvage their relationship. This whole thing doing a number on his health, both mentally and physically. He’s just so tired. And there’s no one to blame. He loves Baekhyun, but right now, this. He’s the cause of all of this.

So he just breaks down right there in front of the man and sobs while Baekhyun stands still and frozen.

He doesn't know what to do but just as he unconsciously starts to "Jongdae, I'm so—"

Jongdae stops him "Don't." A sob wracked his whole body. "Don't apologise."

Jongdae’s eyes are shining clearly as he lashes out at Baekhyun, “I just. I don’t understand, Baek. Where did it go wrong? Everything was going great for us. I loved you. You loved me. I believed you did. And you did!”

His voice cracks painfully, “But now you don’t. Now you don’t. Why? What happened, Baek?”

Baekhyun stumbles as he steps back from Jongdae’s pleading gaze.

“Even after I saw you coughing up flowers. Even after the symptoms were starting to become clear.”

“Even after I myself started coughing up these goddamn flowers!” He flings the flowers in his hands away. His throw is weak and the petals just fall ironically over him.

He cries quietly and whispers in defeat, “I still can’t… I don’t want to believe you don’t love me anymore…”

Baekhyun stays silent. From where Jongdae is plastered to the floor, he can only see Baekhyun’s feet.

“But you. You’re all better now, aren’t you… Because you love her and she loves you back.”

Baekhyun doesn’t deny it. Jongdae huffs out in false amusement.

“So why, Baek? Why do you still come back and pretend that everything’s okay. Why… You come back and give me hope, but you talk to her, talk about her, think about her. Why must you keep coming back to stab me in the same place?”

Jongdae wants to say more.

Much more. He still has so much more to say.

But his cries control his body and he can’t ignore the pain in his heart anymore.

He cries and sobs as the love of his life stands there watching him. There isn’t a touch of comfort. No hum of assurance.

It’s in the silence that Jongdae faces the music that Baekhyun truly doesn’t love him anymore.

“Leave.”

Baekhyun falters at the soft command.

“Jongdae—”

“I said leave, Baek. Please. Don’t come back. Don’t…”

_ Don’t make him suffer more than you already have. _

So Baekhyun leaves and Jongdae drowns in the heavy silence and loneliness of their shared apartment.

❀✿❀✿❀

_ A person with Hanahaki typically starts coughing up flowers at Stage III. Surgery is recommended at this stage and is relatively easier to perform for various reasons. _

_ One; the patient is easier to persuade to have the surgery. Two; the flowers and its roots can be located easily and have not overgrown. _

_ The common case is for patients to cough up 2-3 types of flowers. Again, symbolism is taken with a grain of salt amongst doctors, but it is confirmed that the third type of flower usually appears at Stage IV and is considered the deadliest. _

_ The third flowers are always a Level 4—the highest, on Toxicity Class of plants, and is usually what prevents surgery from being successful. The toxins complicate the surgery even more. _

_ Lifespan of a Stage IV Hanahaki patient is at maximum four weeks. _

❀✿❀✿❀

He had rushed over the moment he answered Jongdae’s call and heard sobbing through the line. He didn’t think twice and took only his wallet, got down to the street, flagged down a cab, and arrived at Jongdae and Baekhyun’s apartment building in less than an hour.

He brisk walks to the lift lobby only to see it’s out of order. He curses to himself before dashing to the staircase and running up to their apartment level. Only when he’s walking to their door does he stop to think.

He arrives in front of their door and takes a few deep breaths to cool down from the exercise and also prepare himself for whatever he’s gonna see.

The doorbell rings as he presses the pad beside the door. He waits for a few seconds, then more, and a minute passes by. He scowls then presses the pad again. It rings empty again and he looks around. He looks down at the keypad on the door and not thinking much, he pushes the handle and the door opens.

His thoughts take a turn for the worst at what this could mean and he pushes through fully and enters the apartment. The lights are on, he can hear the TV, but even so, the apartment seems dead and lifeless.

“Jongdae?”

He doesn’t receive an answer, so he walks further into the apartment. He aims for the living room, but as he walks further in, he passes by the kitchen and from the side of his eyes, he notices a lump on the floor. At the sound of his footsteps, the lump shifts and Jongdae’s head bobs up from his fetal position.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Jongdae!” Kyungsoo darts over to Jongdae’s side. He looks at the mess before him. Broken glass. Petals and flowers. Three?

He quivers as he reaches out for the man. He pulls him up carefully, ensuring the broken glass doesn’t graze them. He manages to get Jongdae up but he’s faint on his feet and leaning heavily into Kyungsoo’s support.

Together they stumble towards the bedroom, but just as they almost reach, Jongdae protests softly and gestures at another room. Kyungsoo follows the direction and they end up in the guest bedroom.

He sets Jongdae gently on the bed and makes sure he’s comfortable before setting off back to the kitchen. He takes the rug in front of the fridge and throws it over the broken glass and petals. He’ll clean it up later.

For now, he goes about preparing amenities for Jongdae. It was going to be a long night.

❀✿❀✿❀

_ Bellflowers. _The new addition to his ever-growing garden of love. They were pretty. Prettier than the first. And he prefers this colour too. He never really did like pink that much.

_ Unwavering, everlasting love. Bellflower; my love for you is infinite and everlasting. _

❀✿❀✿❀

He steps out of the apartment building feeling bleak. This was too cruel.

It’s been three days since that night. He went back home on the first night only to come back to Jongdae’s apartment that same night with a packed bag full of his own things. He couldn’t leave Jongdae alone just like that.

He’s been looking after him while trying to persuade him to get admitted to the hospital. He hadn’t known Jongdae’s had worsened so much. The last thing he knew was that Jongdae was still coughing up petals of one flower.

But then again, he only found out because he caught him coughing it out.

Why did Jongdae insist on keeping it all to himself?

He looks up towards one of the windows on the higher floors where Jongdae’s apartment is. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for or what he’s expecting, but no answer will definitely come out from his moping. He sighs and shakes his head, looking back straight on the path. He needs to go back to the hospital.

“Kyungsoo.”

He trails the voice and finds the urgent figure of Baekhyun running up to him. Kyungsoo regards him from head to toe.

He looks troubled and anxious, but otherwise well-rested and showered despite being kicked out from his shared apartment with Jongdae. There is one shameless possibility for that, but him wearing his run down old clothes from what he used to wear in high school crosses that out.

Kyungsoo is a little relieved at that—that his friend still has a shred of decency in him. But it does nothing to dull the betrayal and rage Baekhyun’s face incites. Especially not even five minutes after Kyungsoo last saw Jongdae. Jongdae who is drowning in misery at this man’s actions.

“What do you want?”

His tone is ice cold albeit his raging fury. They could end up fighting here. Baekhyun never did take too kindly to Kyungsoo’s detached manner. But he doesn’t jump to the bait. Instead, the man approaches Kyungsoo cautiously, his face fixed with anxiety.

“Jongdae…” He too looks up to where Kyungsoo was staring at just now, “How is he?”

He meets Kyungsoo’s glare with worried eyes. Kyungsoo knows. Kyungsoo knows that no matter what Baekhyun would have done or said, he would have reacted negatively. But this genuine concern over something he himself brought on…

“Why do you care?”

“Of cou—”

“No, why do you need to know? Do you think you deserve to know?”

Kyungsoo seethes even more at the wronged look on Baekhyun’s face.

He stands firmer at Kyungsoo’s stare down, “I still love him, I still care for him. Maybe not that way—”

Kyungsoo scoffs, “You think that’s enough?”

Baekhyun looks down at his shoes and licks his lips, contemplating his next words, “It was enough for…”

Kyungsoo scoffs even more, which intensifies to delirious laughs.

“But he’s coughing flowers.” Kyungsoo hits him with a decisive stare.

Baekhyun has no response for that.

“You’ve abandoned him. Thrown him away. Forsaken all the love he gave you.” Kyungsoo punctuates each and every word, making sure they pierce through Baekhyun.

“And for what? All for one pathe—”

Kyungsoo is interrupted by Baekhyun grabbing him by his collar, but he does the same and they’ve both got each other hanging by the necks. They’re breathing heavily in each other’s faces, their anger not allowing them to relent.

“What?” Kyungsoo challenges him, “You can act, but can’t bear to have all your sins plated out in front of you?”

Baekhyun doesn’t back down.

“Ah, or you mad cause I insulted your new,” Kyungsoo sizes him down, “Whatever she is.”

Baekhyun averts his eyes again. Kyungsoo clicks his tongue and pushes him away. They stay silent as they try and calm down. Only then do they notice the whispering onlookers.

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and steps away further from Kyungsoo.

“Do you fully realise what you’ve done, Baek?”

Baekhyun whips his head around to glare at Kyungsoo but his resolve weakens at the sight of Kyungsoo’s expression.

Kyungsoo’s face is crestfallen, eyes glistening with unshed tears, “This is going to tear us apart, Baek. All of us. And Chanyeol doesn’t even know.”

Baekhyun gets a haunted look, “Just tell me… Jongdae… He…”

Kyungsoo grits his teeth in anger at the sympathy he feels at Baekhyun’s pathetic display of emotions.

“Please, tell me he’s going for the operation.”

Kyungsoo gives him a sharp, sad glare.

“Until now… Until now, Baek? You still don’t understand, don’t comprehend how much Jongdae loves you? You still underestimate his love for you?”

“But he can’t not go— He’ll die. I can’t—” Baekhyun almost begs.

“Can’t take the guilt?” How badly Kyungsoo wants to relish the pain on that face, “Well then, I hope that guilt kills you.”

The statement triggers Baekhyun, but he doesn’t lash out, not physically.

“Then why don’t you take this chance, huh?”

Kyungsoo’s blood freezes over.

“Take Jongdae away from me. You know you want to. You’ve been pathetically hiding it all these years but you can’t fool me.”

He grits his teeth to stop himself from hurting his friend further but pride forces it out, “You can’t fool me cause I know exactly what it’s like to be in love with him. You—”

A punch lands squarely on Baekhyun’s jaw and the impact forces him onto the ground. He blinks away the shock and settles his gaze on Kyungsoo.

“Knew. You knew. You knew what it was like to be in love with him, because you don’t now. Not anymore. And you don’t deserve to. You don’t deserve him. You never did.”

A crowd gathers around them and the murmuring has escalated into chattering and some are getting ready to intervene.

“I’ve said it before, Baek. You’ve always taken Jongdae for granted. Always reliant on the fact that he’ll meet your every step, no matter how fast you’re going, so you never check up on him.”

His chest hurts and tightens just imagining the pain Jongdae must have endured and is going through now.

“But this time, you’ve gone too far, too fast. And you’ve not only left him behind, you’ve forgotten him. Don’t ever show yourself in front of him again, Baekhyun.”

Kyungsoo leaves him like that on the ground.

❀✿❀✿❀

Two weeks since that incident and Baekhyun hasn’t shown his face. Not to him, not to Jongdae, not to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol… He thought Chanyeol had taken it well. Jongdae had already been admitted into the hospital by that time, and Chanyeol had come in completely clueless. One word was all it took for everything to sink in. _ Hanahaki. _

Chanyeol was quiet as he met Jongdae’s eyes, searching for confirmation. It was Jongdae’s surrendered smile that did it. Then Chanyeol dropped the gift basket he had brought onto the side table and sat on the chair in front of the bed. He started talking about random things, the progress on his new song, new assignments, anything at all.

Chanyeol really took it well… or so he thought.

Kyungsoo found him in the car park a few hours later, both hands flat on the hood of his car as he leaned face down on it for support.

“How long?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer.

“How long have you known, Soo?”

“About what?”

Chanyeol furiously takes deep breaths through his nose, “About Baek.”

He twists around sharply, his eyes dilated in anger and face red, “How long has he been doing this behind Jongdae’s back? Behind our back?”

“I don’t know.”

Chanyeol turns around again and kicks the wheel of his car, “Bullshit. You knew. You knew something. That time, at the restaurant. You got mad at him. Because, before that, there was Jongdae. In the hospital. Then.”

He faces Kyungsoo again, “Then? Was it then?”

Kyungsoo pauses and nods carefully, “Jongdae was already acting suspicious back then. But that day, he told me he saw Bae—him coughing up flowers.”

Chanyeol huffs out a soft cry in pain for his friend.

“He told me not to say anything. I think… I think he was hoping…”

The rest is left unsaid and quiet descends upon them. It’s a long moment with Chanyeol trying to find the courage to face everything and Kyungsoo trying to remain the rational one.

“So what now?”

They daze away blankly.

“What now? Jongdae won’t have the surgery right?”

Kyungsoo offers him a small upturn of his lips.

“Idiots. All of you.”

❀✿❀✿❀


	4. iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ It sucks when you know you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. _

❀✿❀✿❀

Here they are, still in the hospital. Jongdae still won’t budge. He doesn’t listen to anyone. Not to Chanyeol. Not to Kyungsoo. Not even to his family.

And now he’s gotten so weak. So frail. Bed-ridden.

Kyungsoo is by his side now, glancing at him every now and then. He’s arranging the gift baskets Chanyeol keeps on bringing every time he comes by. Which is everyday. For the past one week. The tall oaf is going overboard, but Kyungsoo doesn’t stop him. They’re all doing what they can in their own ways.

So he’s here arranging the stuffed toys that come with each basket by the window. They’re all googly-eyed animals, or are they animals? Kyungsoo sighs and rolls his eyes. He hears a soft chuckle behind him.

“They’re cute.”

Kyungsoo turns to face Jongdae. Then looks back and forth between the toys and Jongdae on the hospital bed.

“You’re cuter.”

Jongdae’s smile is weak.

“He used to say that too.”

Kyungsoo’s smile drops and he fights back the curse on the tip of his tongue. He puts down the stuffed toy he was holding and goes to sit on the available chair in front of the bed. He takes a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. For what everyone’s been wanting to say.

He grabs Jongdae’s right hand on the bed and holds onto it with a firm grip.

“Jongdae,” he sighs, “Please. The toxins are kicking in.”

His eyes are pleading but Jongdae averts his gaze, “The flowers are almost full grown. It’ll soon be too risky to even try to remove them.”

His grip on Jongdae’s hand tightens, “Please, Jongdae. I beg you. Please.”

Jongdae takes great efforts to shake his head, “I can’t, Soo. I love him. I still do.”

“He hurt you.”

Jongdae nods his head reluctantly, “But he also made me so happy.”

He takes a few short breaths and turns to Kyungsoo, “The past ten, twelve, fourteen years of my life with him were the happiest I’ve ever been.”

A stray tear trails down Jongdae’s hollow cheeks, “I don’t want to forget that, Soo. I don’t want to risk forgetting them. Forgetting him.”

“Let him go. Please. He threw you away.”

Kyungsoo keeps pushing and prodding and Jongdae just can’t handle it. He’s mentally, physically weak and in his stressed state, he lashes out at him, “Then why don't you take your own advice?”

Kyungsoo recoils and stares in shock. Jongdae’s face falls, realising what he just said.

“Soo, no, I don’t—I didn’t… I’m sorry, I can’t, Soo. I can’t let him go.”

Kyungsoo’s head slumps down in defeat and he almost pulls back completely when Jongdae grips his hand tighter to prevent him from doing so. He meets Jongdae’s frenzied face with his own sorry expression.

“I don’t want to, Soo,” Jongdae wags his head side to side frantically. The action dizzies him and Kyungsoo stands to support and set him right, but Jongdae abruptly grabs on to his whole arm.

“I want to keep his love, Soo. At least in my memories, I want to keep him.”

The heart monitor by the bedside flares and Kyungsoo tries to calm him down, “Jongdae—”

“I don’t want to lose all of that, Soo. I’d rather die loving him.” Jongdae’s voice edges on hysterical and soon nurses are charging into the room.

“Dr. Do!”

Kyungsoo tries once again to calm Jongdae down, but the man is blocking out every sound.

He frowns at the nurse, “Sedate him.”

The nurses work quick after affirming the instructions and then Jongdae is drifting into a semi-conscious state. Kyungsoo heaves a sigh of relief but worries his eyebrows at Jongdae’s state. The nurses are working around him, checking his vitals and connecting him to an IV.

Another figure enters the room and Kyungsoo nods in acknowledgement at the other doctor. He catches up on the situation and how the patient was administered. Then he dismisses the nurses and the two doctors are left alone with a dazed Jongdae.

“Kyungsoo.”

“Jibeom, how is he?”

The other doctor sighs, “Not good. I can explain it to you in detail in our office later, but in short, he’s in critical condition. He… really doesn’t have long.”

Kyungsoo isn’t surprised, but it’s still a hard pill to swallow.

“Okay, I’ll see you in the office in half an hour. Another friend will come by then to take over watching him.”

The doctor nods at his colleague and proceeds to leave the room.

Kyungsoo watches him leave before pulling out his phone and texts Chanyeol. Then he directs his attention back to Jongdae.

Jongdae has definitely entered Stage IV of Hanahaki already. Him developing a third flower was a huge sign and by now the buds of the third flower is well on its way to full bloom. But the other tell-tale symptom of Stage IV is the hysteria.

It’s what they’ve been trying to avoid. Jongdae will only get harder to persuade from here on out.

He observes Jongdae’s figure on the bed. His dark black hair that used to compliment his skin and the natural flush of his cheeks and lips, is now too dark a contrast to his pale complexion. His sharp face and jaw is daunting to look at now with his hollowed cheeks.

His thoughts are disrupted by his phone vibrating. He unlocks it and reads the text from Chanyeol.

CY: gonna be really late cuz song + traffic

Just as he finishes reading it, another text comes in again.

CY: might only arrive in 2 hrs. try and msg jongdeok

Kyungsoo’s forehead creases. He’s sure Jongdeok can’t make it. The man already dropped by yesterday and he has his own job and family to handle too. Jongdae’s parents are also too far for him to call over that he might as well just wait for Chanyeol. But he really needs to talk to Jibeom before the man leaves for the day. But he also can’t, or more like he doesn’t want to leave Jongdae alone.

He glances down at Jongdae’s absent-minded figure. Jongdae’s eyelids are opening and closing sluggishly. He should be fine on his own for now. The talk shouldn’t take that long. He’ll be back before the sedative wears off.

With that in mind, Kyungsoo strokes Jongdae’s head before leaving the room.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae’s body and mind is relaxed but it doesn’t mean the thoughts have stopped. They’re still in his head. They’re not running around, boggling his mental state, making him want to lash out in anguish. Instead, they’re visions of Baekhyun.

Baekhyun chasing him around in high school. Baekhyun stealing his food. Baekhyun wiping his sweat on him. Baekhyun and him on the roof with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. The four of them laughing. Them laughing again but this time at the restaurant bar, decked in more adult, job-appropriate clothes.

They’re nice thoughts, but they still make him want to cry out.

Though, whatever the nurses injected him with have numbed his body and mind enough that he can’t jump to action. So he lays there on the bed, the smell of antiseptic reminding him of where he is and why he’s there and how those visions are much further than he thinks.

Kyungsoo left almost an hour ago. Jongdae can still feel the gentle strokes on his hair. He hopes he comes back soon. Or that Chanyeol comes. He doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to be with his friends.

He wonders if Baekhyun feels the same. But Chanyeol and Kyungsoo have made their choices obvious. They’ve chosen sides. And Jongdae’s heart hurts for Baekhyun in a different way.

The door to the room slides open cautiously and Jongdae strains to turn his head to look. He doesn’t move much and his eyelids still feel like lead. So Jongdae really can’t see much through the blurry haze that is his eyesight, but that figure is unmistakable.

“Baekhyun.”

Jongdae breaks out into a smile as the man slides the door close behind him and takes hesitant steps towards Jongdae. The closer he gets, the more Jongdae is sure that this is Baekhyun. His Baekhyun.

“Baekhyun,” he reaches out a hand painstakingly, “Baekhyun. It’s you.”

Baekhyun takes his hand halfway and drops himself onto the chair in front of Jongdae. Jongdae takes in all of Baekhyun but frowns at what he sees. Why is he sad?

“Jongdae…” The whimper from Baekhyun is soft and is uncharacteristic of him.

‘What’s wrong, Baek? Why are you sad?’ He wants to ask, but his sedated body doesn’t cooperate.

Baekhyun looks him up and down. At the tubes connected to him. The patient tag on his wrist. The bucket on the floor. The machines beeping and monitoring him.

“Jongdae… I’m so sorry…”

Jongdae stares at Baekhyun as the man cries. He’s confused, why is Baekhyun apologising.

Jongdae shakes his head at him, “No, why are you sorry, Baek?”

“This is all my fault. You’re like this… because of me.”

What is Baekhyun talking about? Jongdae is in the hospital because of him?

“That’s not—” a cough interrupts his sentence and panic rises as he feels something rising up in his throat. Baekhyun flounders before him and then he grabs something from the floor and places it infront of Jongdae.

Jongdae takes it and starts heaving into the bucket, then flowers overflow into the bucket, the petals stained with drops of blood. Baekhyun trembles at the sight of it and Jongdae stares at it. Then he remembers.

“Right…”

Baekhyun fusses over him, bringing a cloth up to his mouth to wipe away any residue. Jongdae continues holding on to the bucket and staring at the flowers. There’s one or two fully bloomed flowers while the rest are petals and buds.

“Japanese Primrose.” Baekhyun looks up into Jongdae’s eyes and Jongdae smiles at him. He points to a soft, almost white, pink flower with a red and yellow core. It’s his guess whether it was stained red because of the blood or not.

He’s seen the flower before. That dinner he had with Jongdae. He shivers at the memory.

“It means love, youth. Young love,” Jongdae holds Baekhyun’s gaze, “I can’t live without you.”

Jongdae waits for a response that doesn’t come, so he returns his gaze onto the flowers. He points at another.

“Yellow rose.” This time he doesn’t look up to tell Baekhyun it’s meaning, “Decline of love. Infidelity.”

Baekhyun freezes. Jongdae ignores it.

“I don’t really like this one… Yellow roses are kinda weird.”

Then lastly, Jongdae points to a red petal, “This one’s the third one. The most troublesome one, Kyungsoo told me, it’s really bad.”

“Jongdae…”

“Anemone. Forsaken or forgotten love.”

“Jongdae…”

“The loss of a loved one to someone else.”

“Jongdae, please…”

Jongdae snaps his head up to meet Baekhyun’s pleading gaze, “I love you, Baek.”

Baekhyun’s face twists miserably at Jongdae’s sudden declaration.

“I love you, and I'm still convinced the rest of my life looks like you.”

Baekhyun’s gut twists at the open vulnerability, how Jongdae—always so kind, always smiling Jongdae, is breaking down in front of him. He reaches out for Jongdae’s hand and squeezes it tight.

“Jongdae, I love you too.”

Jongdae grimaces and laughs weakly, “Of course you do.”

Tears trickle down his face as he forces a grin and chokes out, “Just not in that way right?”

Baekhyun’s lips wobble as he holds back a sob, but faced with Jongdae’s sad smile proves to be too much for him. He cowers over and his head falls into the space beside Jongdae’s leg. He tries, really he does, to not cry.

He’s the last person that should be crying. But then Jongdae starts patting his head and rubbing his back to calm him, and Baekhyun bursts into tears.

“I’m sorry. Jongdae, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Baekhyun repeats his words like a mantra while Jongdae continues coaxing him to calm down.

“It’s okay, Baek. I forgive you.”

Baekhyun shakes his head into Jongdae’s thigh, burying his face further into the blankets covering Jongdae.

“I forgive you. Please don’t be sad anymore.”

And then Jongdae’s monitor beside the bed flares again and Baekhyun’s head snaps up in alarm. He checks the monitor trying to decipher what’s happening when the hand in his grasp suddenly slackens. His attention snaps back to Jongdae to see that he’s lost consciousness.

Baekhyun scrambles over to hover over Jongdae, “Jongdae? Jongdae?”

The doors slam open and nurses come dashing in. They looked surprised to see him, “Sir, please leave. Only authorised visitors are allowed here.”

Baekhyun looks at the nurse’s firm expression then glances back at Jongdae, “What’s wrong with— What happened? We were just tal—”

“Sir, you really need to leave right now.”

Baekhyun looks around at the nurses bustling around the room, one tending to Jongdae, another bringing in some daunting equipment, and this one pushing him to leave.

“No, but—”

“What’s going on here?”

The two of them look over to the door to see a man in a doctor’s coat marching into the room.

“Dr. Im, this visitor.”

The man scrutinises Baekhyun before brushing him aside and walks past him to Jongdae, “Force him out.”

Baekhyun starts protesting as the nurse grabs on to his shoulder to drag him out, “No, wait, Jongdae.”

“Jibeom! What’s—”

Baekhyun turns towards the newcomer.

“Sorry, Dr.Do. I can’t allow you in here too. Please leave both of you.” The doctor tending to Jongdae nods at Kyungsoo without taking his eyes off his patient.

Kyungsoo understands the procedures. Then he glares at Baekhyun—the man still insistently staying rooted to his spot, and then takes one look at Jongdae’s limp figure, and it takes all his effort to act reasonably.

He strides over to Baekhyun and grabs him by the shirt, pulling him out of the room. Once the both of them are out, the nurse slides the door close and the audible lock after it indicates it will be kept closed for some time.

Kyungsoo, with his grip still on Baekhyun’s shirt, shoves the man back. Baekhyun stumbles but he manages to grab onto the back of the waiting seats and rights himself up.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun doesn’t show any reaction to Kyungsoo’s outburst so he nudges him painfully on the shoulder, “Do you understand what you just did?”

Baekhyun still doesn’t answer him, and Kyungsoo groans in frustration and slams his hand on the wall beside Baekhyun’s head.

“What’s going on here?”

Kyungsoo turns towards the direction of the voice, “Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol stalks over to them, his glare focused on Baekhyun’s figure. Baekhyun’s head lifts up at the entrance of his other friend. His glare burns but Baekhyun knows he deserves it.

“What is he doing here?”

Kyungsoo sighs at the trouble brewing. He glances at Baekhyun from the side of his eyes and can’t unsee the hurt in his posture. Kyungsoo really can’t help feeling pitiful for him.

_ He did this to himself. He caused this. Jongdae’s in there because of him. _

Kyungsoo reminds himself over and over again and tampers down the sympathy.

“I don’t know what’s his purpose, but he went and met Jongdae.” Kyungsoo nods towards the closed door of Jongdae’s room.

Chanyeol fumes at the audacity of his friend but averts his gaze. He noticed Kyungsoo faltering a moment ago. He won’t make the same mistake.

“Well, he’s not getting any closer than this.” Chanyeol walks over to the door and attempts to slide it open but startles when it refuses to budge. He jerks around to question Kyungsoo and sees the conflicted look on his face. He looks down further to Baekhyun who has plopped down onto the waiting chair with a face full of guilt.

It doesn’t take him a second to understand what happened. He dashes forward and pulls Baekhyun by his shirt, “Leave. Get out. Don’t show your face here anymore.”

Baekhyun withstands the pulling and struggles to stay seated. It frustrates Chanyeol even more and he yells at him louder, “Fucking leave, Baek!”

“No! I’m here for Jongdae,” Baekhyun finally says something and shrugs Chanyeol’s hands off, “I still care—”

Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun’s already stretched shirt even more and bunches it up as he grabs him by the collar. Then Kyungsoo intervenes and tugs Chanyeol’s arm back, “Stop it. You’re making a scene.”

Kyungsoo’s stunned when Chanyeol vigorously shrugs his hand off, “No, you stop it, Soo. You get to know everything, get to lash out at him, but I can’t?”

Chanyeol creates some distance from the two, “You think you’re the only trying to control the situation? Our best friend is probably dying in there! And it’s because of our other stupid best friend! And you,” he glowers at him, “My other best friend and you hid all these things from me!”

He tosses his head back and takes a deep breath, “I get it, you guys are hurt. But can you guys fucking think about how I feel too?”

Chanyeol opens his mouth to say more, but he takes one look at his friends' faces and deems that it's not worth it. He leaves them behind, letting the silence brew on.

❀✿❀✿❀

When the door clatters open and the nurses step out, Kyungsoo shoots up from the seat. He waits for the doctor to walk out and approaches him.

“Jibeom, what happened? Is he okay?”

The doctor sighs heavily as he faces his colleague, “I don’t think his lungs have been punctured since there’s no sign of internal bleeding, so I’m speculating that his lungs—his body, shut down on its own.”

Kyungsoo’s face falls so the doctor adds on, “It’s just a theory. I’ve scheduled an MRI scan for him later. We won’t know until we get the results. But for now, he’s attached to a ventilator to support breathing.”

The doctor watches his colleague process the information. Kyungsoo is a genius. Everyone in the hospital knows it, but right now he looks like nothing but a helpless boy. It’s no wonder why he didn’t take this case when Hanahaki is his field. This was personal.

“The man just now. Is he the enamoured?”

Kyungsoo nods hesitantly, “He probably triggered the breakdown.”

The doctor confirms his guess, “It’s best if he stays away.” The doctor glances up towards the corner of the hallway where the man from just now is leaning wearily against the wall. He makes eye contact and the man ducks his head and disappears behind the wall.

“Noted. Thank you, Jibeom.”

Kyungsoo makes to enter Jongdae's room when the doctor’s voice stops him, “Oh and Kyungsoo.”

He sighs, “I know you’re a doctor here. But there’s still protocol we have to follow. You know I’m only supposed to discuss this with immediate family and can only act with their permission.”

Kyungsoo faces him firmly, “Yes. Thank you.”

He leaves it at that and closes the door behind him.

❀✿❀✿❀

Jongdae didn’t wake up any time soon after that. Kyungsoo had messaged Chanyeol that they were allowed into the room now but Chanyeol hadn’t replied. Kyungsoo assumed he was still mad. Rightfully so. Chanyeol was always caught up in the middle of things. Since way before too. He’s probably the one suffering the most from all of this.

Kyungsoo decided not to pester him and locked his phone when it lit up again from a text.

CY: kay

They’ve always commended Jongdae for his patience and kindness, but they were all idiots in their own way. Kyungsoo shakes his head in fond exasperation. They truly were all idiots.

He waits for Chanyeol for about ten minutes before the tall man comes in and quietly sits himself on the unoccupied chair on the other side of Jongdae’s bed. They just sit in silence watching over Jongdae.

“I’ve called Jongdeok and told him what happened just now. He’ll be here with Mr. and Mrs. Kim later.”

Chanyeol hums in acknowledgement.

It's still too awkward for them to talk so Kyungsoo doesn't. Instead they wait and wait and stare off into space in front of their unconscious friend. So when Jongdae's parents and brother come in, the awkward tension is relieved and replaced with an anxious one instead.

The doctor in charge of Jongdae comes in and explains to them Jongdae's critical condition. Kyungsoo is not surprised at his announcement, having heard most of it in the afternoon and coming to the same conclusion after the recent incident. But Jongdae's family cries and break downs. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol respectfully leaves the room for the family.

❀✿❀✿❀

It feels like hours before the whole of the Kim family come out of the room. Mr. and Mrs. Kim are spaced out, so it's Jongdeok who nods at the two of them to acknowledge their presence. Ultimately, no matter how they all want Jongdae to live and go through the operation, it was his own choice. Legally, they just could not do anything about it except to accept it.

The best they could do was to stay with him in his remaining time. The Kim family leave, but the two friends remain seated on the waiting chairs in front of Jongdae's room.

During their time waiting, they've come to a silent truce. In times like this, they really don't have the time to be angry at each other. So they accepted each other's silent apology and took comfort in each other's presence.

It's long after the Kim family has left and it's nearing night time. Visiting hours had been long over, but Kyungsoo being a doctor overruled such rules.

“You're lucky I'm a doctor,” Kyungsoo had piped up.

Chanyeol snorted at him and entertained his banter, “Yeah? Thanks a lot man. Sorry I'm just a partially-known music producer.”

They lapse into another comfortable silence before Kyungsoo speaks again.

“Chanyeol, you know. I never really thanked you properly before.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes playfully, “What are you on about?”

Chanyeol watches Kyungsoo’s back in front of the door. The mood had felt light just before this, why does it feel so somber now? Chanyeol gets a sinking feeling, but it couldn’t be.

“Kyung—”

Kyungsoo turns around and gives Chanyeol a sad smile, “Thank you, Chanyeol. For keeping this burden with me for so long.”

“Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol’s eyes grow impossibly wider.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo focuses back on the door and grabs the handle, “For all this time.”

“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol grabs his shoulder so tight, Kyungsoo is sure a bruise would form.

“Don’t do this, Kyungsoo.” The flash in Chanyeol’s eyes borders crazed.

Kyungsoo takes hold of the hand on his shoulder, “Let me go, Chanyeol.”

“No!” Chanyeol spins him around, “Kyungsoo, don’t do this. Don’t do this to me. We’re already—”

Guilt gnaws at Kyungsoo at the expression on Chanyeol’s face. _ I’m sorry, Chanyeol. _

Their hands tremble as Kyungsoo forces Chanyeol hands off of him.

Kyungsoo has made up his mind and he’ll see through it. He shoves Chanyeol back as hard as he can and enters Jongdae’s room. He quickly slides the door close on Chanyeol, the last thing he saw being his defeated face.

He locks the door in place and stands still in front of the door. He thinks about what he’s going to do and heaves, ragged breaths leaving his mouth, as he prepares himself.

_ One last attempt. _

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo turns around at the soft, muffled mewl of his name.

Jongdae is seated half way up on his bed, an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, thick tubes connecting it to the ventilator. Despite his appearance, Jongdae looks tranquil.

_ The first. _

Jongdae used to glow. He used to shine so bright, but it’s no longer that Jongdae that graces their presence. No longer has been for some time now. This Jongdae is meek, frail, sad.

Jongdae smiles at his approach and opens his palm face up. Kyungsoo shudders as he breathes out and places his own palm on Jongdae’s.

_ The first and the last attempt. _

He snorts bemusedly.

“What’s s’funny?” Jongdae asks.

Kyungsoo tilts his head wryly and adjusts his hold on Jongdae’s hand so that it fits perfectly in his. He can’t help but compare his own hand to Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun’s big yet slender hands were a better fit for Jongdae than anyone else’s.

“You know, Jongdae… I’ve also grown a third flower.”

The hand in his stills and he observes Jongdae’s face. He smiles bitterly to himself at finally breaking that serene mask.

“They’re called Jonquils. Mine are white and they’re really pretty.” Kyungsoo looks up at Jongdae and smiles. He reaches out a hand and wipes the tear running down Jongdae’s cheek.

“I wish I could have showed you.” He looks around the room at all the trinkets and gifts that have piled up. Stuffed toys, jars and packets of healthy food, chocolates.

“Flowers are actually really pretty, right?” He turns back to Jongdae and wipes another tear, “Too bad people don’t really like them that much huh…”

Jongdae’s lower lips tremble and the tears from his eyes cascade down faster than Kyungsoo can wipe them away. So he saves the effort and joins his other hand in holding Jongdae’s.

“Jongdae, you’ve probably known…”

Jongdae shut his eyes and shakes his head. Kyungsoo brings Jongdae’s hand up to his lips and places a chaste kiss on it. Jongdae whimpers sadly.

“That I’ve loved you for so long.”

Tears still leak out constantly even through closed eyes, so Jongdae opens his eyes. He feels Kyungsoo’s pain through his piercing yet tender gaze.

Kyungsoo is thankful that Jongdae is accepting his feelings like this even if he doesn’t want to. He’s been grounding himself for years, putting himself on strong medicines and countless therapies to prevent Hanahaki to get to him.

He’s been convincing himself that as long as Jongdae was happy then he would be too. But recent events have pushed his boundaries too much, and his body and mind can’t deny it anymore.

“And just like you Jongdae, I accepted my fate… If dying was the only way I could continue loving you then so be it.”

They hear a sob but they can’t decide who it came from first.

“But Jongdae, I don’t want this for you.” He holds on tighter.

“I’ve always told myself I would be content seeing you happy even if it wasn’t because of me. But this isn’t how I want us to go, Jongdae. I don’t want you to die like this. And I don’t want to die seeing you like this.”

Jongdae bows down crying and Kyungsoo shifts closer as much as he could.

“So I’ll selfishly ask this once.”

He searches for Jongdae’s eyes and waits till the man meets his to ask, “Can’t it be me?”

Jongdae pushes himself to take their clasped hands in his other hand too. He grasps Kyungsoo’s hand tightly, as tight as he could. Kyungsoo lets out a silent sob as he hardly feels any strength behind it.

“Can’t it be me that you love?” Kyungsoo forces out through his cries, “Can’t you give me a chance? Can’t you learn to love me?”

For a long while, nothing resounds between them other than their crying and they hold on to each other, understanding the pain they’re both going through. The pain they were crazy enough to go through.

It’s Jongdae who speaks first, the effort to do so taking all of his strength, “Kyungsoo, I’m sorry.”

Another tear rolls down his cheek as he finally apologises for not being able to return Kyungsoo's feelings. Something they've never acknowledged in hopes that maybe they weren't true.

But they were. They were as true as the buds and petals inside his chest.

Kyungsoo laughs through his tears, “You told Baek not to apologise right?”

Jongdae doesn’t answer the rhetorical question.

“So don’t apologise to me, Dae.”

They stay there holding each other’s hands. There are things left unsaid but they don’t need to be said. Jongdae understands. Kyungsoo understands.

This was a reflection they both needed to see. What they had to accept. And between the two of them, they understand what needs to be done.

A silent agreement.

❀✿❀✿❀

Chanyeol sits alone at a cafe, sipping a cup of ice coffee. He has a laptop and papers in front of him, and he alternates tending to his drink and the work he’s doing.

The cafe is almost empty, the day is just beginning, but he’s working quick and efficiently. Too concentrated on what he was doing, he doesn’t notice a tall figure strolling towards him.

“Chanyeol.”

He looks up, caught off guard but simmers down when he sees who has approached him, “Sehun.”

Sehun stares at Chanyeol and the open seat opposite him in question, and Chanyeol gives him a nod as permission. Sehun settles into the seat.

“Are you organising the…” Sehun doesn’t finish his question and Chanyeol almost rolls his eyes at his cautious behaviour.

“The funeral? Yeah. His parents are too old to be doing this kind of thing. Especially for their own son.”

Sehun flinches at his bluntness, but if what Chanyeol’s guessing is right, then he could care less of his discomfort.

“Am I allowed to attend?”

Chanyeol studies his long face, “Depends. If you’re coming alone, yeah. If you’re bringing a burden, then no.”

Chanyeol is firm with his decision and he remains silent as he waits for Sehun. He realises he’s not going to get anything from him anymore so he gets up to leave, then he pauses.

“Ah, how’s Jongdae?”

Chanyeol takes a deep breath through his nose and answers, “He’s fine. He went through the operation just… fine. They’re slowly detoxing the toxins out of him too, so he’s still at the hospital.”

Sehun nods and there’s a beat of silence before Chanyeol continues, “His emotions are intact? Or whatever. Well, he’s not showing any signs of unfeeling or aloofness, so it’s safe to say he can still… Yeah.”

Sehun gives a small smile in relief but when Chanyeol doesn’t continue, he asks, “And his memories?”

There’s another small pause as Chanyeol considers his question, “Fleeting… He has small fragments of memories with… with him. But I think he’ll slowly recover them.”

“Oh, okay,”

Chanyeol nods at him and doesn’t say anything more, and Sehun leaves their discussion there. Chanyeol was generous enough to tell him these things, despite knowing why (or for who) Sehun is asking.

Sehun bids him goodbye and Chanyeol watches him leave. He doesn’t know if he could ever forgive Baekhyun, but this is the only thing he can bare to do for his old friend.

❀✿❀✿❀

Two weeks back, Kyungsoo had made a decision without telling Chanyeol. Another decision he decided by himself without telling Chanyeol. A decision he made for the sake of the four of them, without consulting them, again.

Chanyeol expected the worst when Kyungsoo locked him out of Jongdae’s room that day. He was stuck outside, waiting for what felt like hours. A nurse had finally come by at the second hour and unlocked the door.

When Chanyeol came in, his two friends were asleep, holding each other’s hands, with dried tears streaked down their face.

And when they woke up, they surprised Chanyeol with a decision he never thought their stubborn asses would make.

_ “We’ll take the surgery. Both of us.” _

Chanyeol cried out in relief. Things weren’t automatically okay with that, but it was a first step. They’ll get through it all together.

But things don’t always go right. Chanyeol seriously doubts they ever will.

Jongdae had made it through the surgery successfully.

Kyungsoo hadn’t.

Chanyeol laughs to himself, a hollow laugh with no joy in it.

Was he supposed to rejoice? Mourn? What exactly was he supposed to do?

Seeing Kyungsoo’s parents sobbing in front of the surgery room gave him an answer, and he swallowed the bitterness in his mouth and took responsibility for them.

He doesn’t know how he did it. He balanced his work, funeral arrangements, last wills, that whole shebang, and Jongdae. He took responsibility for him too. He couldn’t be there through his whole recovery but he had his family.

After the mess has settled down, he’ll take his time recovering with Jongdae, the both of them, from this whole loss.

“Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol snaps out from his reminiscing and looks down at the man he’s pushing on the wheelchair, “Yeah?”

“Where are we going again?”

Chanyeol smiles down at the man.“We’re going to see Kyungsoo. You remember Kyungsoo, right, Jongdae?”

Jongdae blanks out as he thinks about it. Chanyeol lets him as he continues pushing the wheelchair forward in the grass.

He scans the distance to Kyungsoo’s headstone and tries to calculate how much more he needs to push the wheelchair over. Then, he spots a figure in that distance, but from here, Chanyeol doesn’t know if the visitor was here for Kyungsoo.

He ignores him anyway, pushing the last few metres till he reaches. He stops directly in front of the granite stone and he welcomes the gust of wind that sweeps by, cooling him.

“Thanks, Soo. It’s fricking hot today. Why the heck did I wear a suit?”

“You made me wear one too.” Chanyeol glances at Jongdae and laughs freely.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Just thought it was appropriate.” He shrugs.

He drops his bag down and takes out a few things. Some candles, scented. Kyungsoo loved that shit. He places them around the stone, side-stepping the other man Chanyeol saw just now who still stood there.

After he lights the candles up, he stretches back up and returns to Jongdae’s side. He takes a quick glance down at him and then looks away.

“So you remember, right?”

Jongdae’s not sure why, but he nods as silent tears run down his face.

He takes the bouquet in his arms and takes one look at them before placing them down gently on the granite stone in front a framed picture of his friend.

His memories are fleeting, but yes, this man was his friend. Kyungsoo.

And the flowers, they’re pretty.

“Pink Camellia. Purple Bellflowers,” Chanyeol says beside him.

“And white Jonquils,” Jongdae finishes for him.

They stay silent for a long moment, just paying their respects quietly on their own. Then Chanyeol pulls out a foldable stool and sits down beside Jongdae. They chat between the two of them, sometimes talking like Kyungsoo was actually there with them.

It was light and fun for a moment until the unknown figure took a step towards them. Chanyeol shoots up in agitation, glaring at the man who falls back at Chanyeol’s intensity.

“Hm, I think we’re done here for today, Dae. Let’s go home and come back again some other day, yeah?”

Jongdae stares at the other man with them for a moment before nodding at Chanyeol, not taking his eyes off the familiar man.

Chanyeol rushes to pack his stuff and once done, they say a quick goodbye to Kyungsoo. Then Chanyeol quickly turns Jongdae around and leaves the gravestone promptly.

He doesn’t turn back despite the staring he feels on his back.

Kyungsoo was a composed man. Most would even think of him unfeeling. But his friends knew better. He felt the most out of them. He loved the most out of them. And he gave the most out of them. But their testimonies could only be proven so much when Kyungsoo really showed that side of him to them.

The engraving on his stone really doesn’t help much too. Who in the world writes their last words in their will? Chanyeol was almost tempted to go against spirits and such if he could change the inscriptions.

That really didn’t help your case, Kyungsoo.

The stupid man probably meant it off as a comforting thing. Kyungsoo was academically smart, but he should really leave the poetry waxing to Chanyeol.

But whatever, maybe it is true.

Cause this is how they ended up.

Best friends separated.

One left with carrying the burden of the memory of it all. Another depressedly stuck with mistakes he couldn’t help. And one who hardly remembers the joy he so desperately wanted to keep.

Baekhyun stares at the retreating backs of his friends and looks back down at Kyungsoo’s framed picture.

_ There is no such thing as love. Therefore, there is no such thing as sorrow. That was what I thought. _

Maybe that was what they all thought too.

❀✿❀✿❀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry for the super rushed ending. i changed it like 3 times cause i couldn’t decide who to kill. and also i couldn’t read through it fully so i hope it still made sense. i tried something new in writing and that was a mysterious POV/narrator. surprise, it’s kyungsoo. Or was that already obvious. so yeah, sorry if it’s all over the place and complicated.
> 
> and thank you if you’ve come this far, i’ll edit it to be better i promise :<


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